Fallen through Once Again

Renee & I were supposed to take Johann out to a fun restaurant for helping us out with something, and this was the last day we could do it for at least 2 more weeks (thank you, finals!), and he had some emergency work something come up. . . I didn't call him about it, talked to Renee, gave her his contact info & she took care of it--I mean, he makes me nervous enough, I don't think I need to try to add to the mess if I can help it. She said he sounded "really sad" about it, but I doubt he would've remembered if "we" hadn't called to check up on him. . . I thought maybe he would have emailed me today to say SOMEthing about it, but no such luck. I just feel so tired (and defeated) about the whole thing. And it's not like he doesn't know that I feel this way--I have discussed it with him, whole lot of good it did. He told me to keep trying, and at some point he's going to be able to do things with me. It's so much effort for so little reciprocation, I don't know if I should be dealing or even can cope with this. I'm going to be pondering it for the next couple weeks and see what I can come up with. I'm going to the temple the next two Saturdays, which hopefully will provide plenty of inspiration & overall peace, comfort, & goodness to my life that I've been lacking. Some things are coming into play, very few have been settling down--I feel most of it is just stagnanting. It's been rather crazy busy lately--staying up too late, not spending any QT online unless you count looking for cheap plane tickets. . . At some point, I'll need to make a decision & just buy the things. . . Of course that's my fault (What isn't, these days? Not like THAT ever changes. . . lol.), Renee & I have been staying up late for the last week and a half or so to get stocked up for the dry spell of fun that will start tomorrow. *sigh!*

What else to say? I feel. . . Not quite taken advantage of, more like everyone's leaving it up to me because they know I'll end up doing something about it. Like, if we're going to do something, I'm the one who has to head it up, plan & call everyone. Something about brick walls. . . Someday I'll post that poem, if I ever get to where I feel it says all I need it to/feel without anything extraneous. . . You know, how you try and try and try and get nowhere, just end up beaten, bloody, & dazed from your struggle for whatever it is. . .

There's something special about guy friends who are just OK with you, and WANT to spend time with you, enough even to call every now & again to see what's up, etc. "Marcus", the only good comfortable guy friend I have like that around here, and he's leaving in less than a month--in 3 weeks or so. I will miss him terribly. Grant will still be around, and we love him, too, but, in the at least 2 years I've known him, he's only called me of his own accord ONCE. And I thought THAT was a miracle. He's just not the kind of guy to do that kind of thing. I realize that and respect his feelings & whatnotness in that regard, but there's still the lack--those don't just go away, ya know.

Oh, well. No doubt we'll get some new people this fall, and maybe there will be at least one good card-playing, fantasy-reading, musically-inclined, intelligent & funny guy that's not too young in the crop. That's not too much to ask, is it? Sometimes I think it must be. I'm looking for my best friend, and I'm starting to think he's not here--maybe never did exist in the first place. *sigh!* Now it is bedtime. Maybe I'll find more sunshine before too long--it has been a pretty gorgeous week so far--but I still can't wait for it to be over!!