Why am I still trying?

Sometime in the last two weeks or so I asked Johann when we could take him out to eat, and he was very. . . Cautious? Careful? I don't know what word to use--it felt like he went out of his way to assure me that he really did want to go out with us, but work was so crazy that he was too tired to enjoy it--that he wanted to do it when he wasn't exhausted, stressed, frustrated, etc. so he could have fun with us. Silly sweetheart, I with he'd stop being so nice. I wish I'd stop liking him. I'm so tired of all this--not being good enough, not doing enough, and this sense of overwhelming duty. . . I don't know a better word to use. I have all these things to do, but I'm not doing them, and I don't really have a reason why. It's so silly stupid! Just like I'm back at school, doing anything to not have to work on my paper or whatever. Usually a paper--research or analysis or somesuch that I'd already written part of and now had absolutely nothing else to say about it and at least three more pages to fill. . .

Good-bye Dinner for Marcus

Renee & I fed Marcus & Grant tonight--our farewell dinner of sorts for Marcus. I have a love/hate relationship with social events--I'm nervous beforehand, then very excited, then I crash--usually about 1/3 or 1/4 of the way through. Of course, it's different according to the people I'm hanging out with, some people don't have to deal with this from me at all, whereas for others, they don't know what to do when I'm quiet (apparently). It's so weird, and I hate it. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong--hiding who I am because I don't know what people would think of it. Whatever. Anyway, I was pretty crazy weird like all that tonight, and ended up feeling like I was in the middle of everything but lagging behind everyone at the same time. So I'm naive, tend to say things without thinking about all the meanings that could be construed from what words I'm using, which lead to a lot of. . . Unintentional faux pas--things that can be twisted to mean something dirty and/or things that embarrass me because I didn't think of it like that at all; if I had, I wouldn't have said it. Plus I've been tired, so I had quite a few slips of my tongue. All very humorous, from my understanding. I wanted to go hide, but didn't. I mean, this was our last game night with Marcus; how could I miss out on any of that? *sigh!* And now I'm sitting here, wondering how or why I continually do things wrong. Like EVerything wrong. (Yes, I do tend to be extreme, but it's also what I'm feeling & saying inside my head.) It's hardly something new to mope about; I had just hoped I had gotten over it by now. Apparently not. Anyway, it's late and I ought to be abed. Maybe tomorrow I'll get something accomplished and feel better. Hey, at least work wasn't that bad today, right? I mean, not like yesterday (in which I had a sixteen minute shouting match with an idiot--I think I kept it together for a while, but, oooh, if you want me to help you you'd better let me do it!! He kept interrupting me, talking over me, and not letting me answer his questions. Very tiresome & infuriating; I can't think of anything that upsets me more)--it was pretty awful, and had me wondering if I have any control over my temper at all--have I gotten any better at all ever? I thought I was making progress, but. . . In case you couldn't tell, this has shaken me up more than I wish it had. I really wish it were June already so I could go on my vacation--hopefully then I'll be able to relax and recharge and feel OK again; at least for a little while. . .