The Great Thaw: a very optimistic title

Today was a fantastic day--it just was. I went to Golden Corral with Jeanie for breakfast, ate too much but loved it, then went to see Emily N. at work while getting oil changed--love killing two birds with one stone that way!! Emily N. said that I sound a lot better than she's heard me in a long time. She was right, and it made me cry--I can cry during fantastic days, can't I? It should definitely be allowable!--because it has been so long. At breakfast, I was talking about things with Jeanie, and how, although I am feeling much better, I am still angry and am not certain I wouldn't yell if Brandon tried to talk to me. She said that I have the right to be angry, that she is still reminded of Josh by certain things. . . I should have asked if she was angry, but didn't. After I saw Emily and picked up Bob, I went to Adrienne's, and E & K tried on dresses I had found at DI--I also got A something, but he was at the movies with Phil, so I don't even know if he knows about it yet. I am almost done with E's hat/scarf, then on to A's sweater! Then I met Meghan at the Bountiful temple and we did a session--best idea ever, I must say, Megmau! I very much needed it.

I cried through at least the first ten minutes of the session--realized I wasn't so much angry at Brandon as I am with myself--I am still terribly, horribly, astoundingly upset that I let him treat me like dirt, like my feelings didn't matter, and that I had to change to make him happy. He complained quite a bit, actually; he didn't like how I sing parts at church, how I wanted to talk late at night [I think that was because it took that long for me to get comfortable enough with him to do it--the rest of the time was busy busy, especially because he tended to be late--more than Mormon Standard time almost always], how I didn't talk to strangers when we hiked, about vegetarian dishes not having meat and about hamburger dishes not having steak, how I chopped onions, that I spent so much time cooking. . . Once he even complained about my singing when I was happy! It was months after we broke up before Rachel heard me singing again!

Part of my frustration is that it reminded me of parts of my marriage, but I know Jeremy loved me(and I'm pretty sure I've already told you so). Nate (most recent therapist) was irritating as all-get-out to help me see that I feel I have to believe that so I can think I'm lovable at all--if he didn't love me, how could anyone else love me? (Pretty sure he doesn't agree with that, in case you were concerned that he's being less than helpful. This was probably not long before stuff changed and I couldn't afford to see him anymore, so we didn't get to the bottom of that particular fallacy of mine.)

Back to the topic--Jeremy loved me; I should have seen that Brandon had stopped long before we broke up. How can I be so stupid? Commence mental self-beratement. It seemed clear what I needed to do--make an appointment with the bishop and see what I can do to fix this. I'm also pretty sure this is why I've been having such a problem wanting to go to church--it's like I'm closing myself off from spiritual things because it hurts too much, like I don't think this wound can heal and so I just want to curl up in a little ball and die. But this is not the case. I'm sure HF has been trying to point this out to me, and I've been skirting the edges of this big thing (malignant tumor?) because I can't stand it--this hurts!

I don't know how to get this to fit in, but I think it deserves to be in here somewhere, and I'm too tired to suss it out properly. I texted Adrienne, and she said: "You're not entirely to blame, you know. He took advantage of you. And I doubt he stopped caring. I think it's more likely that he started taking you for granted. You love so easily that he forgot that you have to work for it in relationships, not to earn it, but to deserve it." Of course, I responded by pointing out how he treated me and how I shouldn't've put up with it as long as I did. She responded: "No, you shouldn't have, but you got out. That's the key. You thought that loving him enough would make him see how 'worthy' you were of treating well. He never saw it. I was (and am) so proud of for doing that." And then: "Maybe you can try putting a different spin on it instead of just obsessing with how long you stayed around when he didn't treat you right. You gave him every opportunity to appreciate you. You gave him the benefit of every doubt. That demonstrates an amazing capacity for patience and Christ-like love! You gave him every change and when he didn't step up, you stepped out I wish you would give yourself more credit for overcoming your insecurities and standing up for yourself!" Then: "You beat yourself up for a long time for you letting Jeremy being unkind/abusive to you and you didn't have time to straighten things out with him, but when similar trends appeared with Brandon and you faced it in the same way you reacted to Jeremy, you made a change--of course it took you time to stand up for yourself! You had to undo years of thinking of yourself in a certain way--as broken, as deserving of unkindness--but you did it! You turned it around and took a stand. You overcame Jeremy and John and Brandon as well as your own fears and insecurities. Own your awesomeness!" I'm crying again. See how amazing my sister is? I had never thought of it that way. Nate would agree--I think he was trying to guide me to this realization.

I need to remember this, and start counteracting my craziness with these truths, and soon. I think Shaun is fantastic, and am pretty sure I need to fix this before being able to get much of anywhere with him. Second triple date is next weekend, and I've already texted the executive secretary to set up an appointment with the bishop, but the next available appointment is 05/18/14. I want to talk this all out with someone sooner than that, think I'll check with one of the advisory couples at church. . . I miss my great guy friends that I used to talk everything through with! I need to think and sleep on this.