Friday, January 6, 2012

Moving to SLC

It's been too long, I know. I'm sorry. This whole post feels like a catch-up. Sorry for all of you who already know all this!

Long story short, I ended up working as a cook in the county jail there, I really enjoyed it, but I'm sure it will always be the biggest spot of color on my resume. I stopped taking all my anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds in January because my health insurance ran out. It was pretty hard. I'm better than I was, but I'm still crying about all kinds of crazy things--I don't think crying at commercials is fair in any way, shape, or form.

John & I broke up sometime in April or May, I may put in more info about that pulled from old emails later, but that's really why it's been so long--because I hadn't gotten around to it yet--so I'm just writing anyway. At first, I was upset, but now I'm OK, the further from the relationship I've gotten the more OK with it I am, really. I saw John in WI when I was visiting Lisa, and there was nothing. It was very weird.

Anyway, I moved in with my sister, Adrienne, & her family in Ogden, UT. I really think her husband may have felt slightly guilty for everything because he's pushed me to date John for so long because he wanted a life-long supply of John stories. I've been doing customer service in June for DirecTV, took while to become OK with my job, mostly I hated the instability of my schedule and having to work Sundays. We all moved to Syracuse the weekend of my birthday in July, and, sometime in November or so I started trying to find a job in Salt Lake City--I've been attending a mid-singles ward there and want to start going to activities, or, at least, have less excuses to not go. Right now, even if I have the time off I've been talking myself out of going because it's so far away. Hopefully I'll start feeling like I'm an actual part of the ward. It's been difficult--the ward has at least 600 people at church every week, feels like stake conference every Sunday--but it's getting better. We have stake conference this week, and there have been rumors that there will be some changes. I hope so, but I'm also worried--hoping I'll still have friends in my ward no matter what happens!

After not getting any bites for a job I could live on for a bit, the week of Thanksgiving I finally decided to bite the bullet and go back to school. So I'll be starting at Salt Lake Community College on Monday, January 9, 2012. A couple people have been asking me such pointed questions about what I want to do & be that I've felt attacked--how am I supposed to know? I just figured this was a step forward, isn't any specific direction going to be better at this point? The biggest reason why it's taken me so long to go back to school is because I didn't know. It was terribly discouraging to me to be at the receiving end of that interrogation, I guess I expected support. I don't know how to label what they were doing--it was like they wanted me to put it off until I did know, but then I know it'd never happen.

I'd been trying to transfer to Salt Lake through work as well as looking for another job entirely, but it wasn't working--my paperwork slipped through the cracks because my supervisor kept changing. . . My original supervisor went through training with us, so we were pretty close--her husband had some heart attacks then died, so we were on her team, then not, then on again, then she moved back to Ohio because her daughter was taking it so poorly, so we were off again, and that's right about when I was trying to transfer. Thankfully, my next supervisor forced it all through for me, so I'll be starting that on Monday, too. I also found a room to rent in a house with someone from the ward.

I moved in last Monday, I just have some laundry, computer, & bedding left here. I still have some things in Storage, too, maybe that'll get packed tomorrow. It still seems terribly unreal to me because, although all my stuff has been there since this last Monday, I haven't been. Aide & co. went on vacation to Disneyland, so I've been "monster dog-sitting" for them. I pretty much feel stuck in a surreal bizarre world all by myself where I don't know what to eat or what to do with myself. . . Although it's almost like I eased myself into this position, I've kinda felt like I've been on pins and needles since John & I broke up. I didn't know what I was doing in Wyoming anymore, and felt like I had two choices: go on to Utah, or go back to Wisconsin. I missed Wisconsin horribly, but felt like it wasn't time for me to go back yet, like I'd go back without having accomplished anything. Plus, I figured I'd have a greater chance of meeting someone if I moved to Utah. But that all seems moot now, I currently can't imagine wanting to spend my whole life with anyone.

I'm pretty tired of everything, mainly apathetic about everything. I went home for Christmas, and got to see Mom & a couple of my best friends, and yet I wasn't excited about it at all. Don't get me wrong, it was great to see you all, and I'm glad I did, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. The main thing I've been feeling is anxiety, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm worried I won't be able to pay for school--I'm taking out a loan, and I've never had to do that before, never owed anyone a significant amount of money except my parents--what if I fail again? What if I can't pay it back? What if the leave of absence I used to cover the trip home until I could start up again didn't go through and so I lost my job instead of having this transfer work? I don't have anyone to call to check on that, you know, I don't know anyone where I'll be starting working; I'm changing projects and everything, what if that fell through because of it? What if my roommate gets on my nerves or she hates me? You know, I didn't realize how lucky I was in my roommates in WI--Megmau, Lisa, & Brit were all fantastic, and I'm sure that they were much better for me than I ever was for them (especially for poor Meghan), I had a run of bad roommates in WY--the first one I had there was by far the best.

I feel like I've wasted every chance I've been given, and worry that this will just be another. Something about I've already shriveled up and died on the inside, will I ever be me again? Hopefully soon I'll remember who I am--I don't know exactly how long it's been since I've knitted or finger-painted--not since I've moved to Utah, at least--it's been in storage most of the time I've lived here. I just don't know. I'm sorry if this post was disjointed, but I figured I should post something before I jump out into the huge unknown. *sigh!*