I woke up sometime around 2 and couldn't get back to sleep--probably around 4 was to the point where I was trying to keep my sobbing as quiet as possible to not disturb my roommates. Nothing is really wrong--that is, nothing more than usual. However, I did realize something this week: I'm scared. I have no reason to believe that any relationship I have with any male will not involve pain, usually the heart-wrenching kind, to one degree or another. I figure this has been happening since I graduated from high school or something around that time--the only men that seem to be immune to this are my home teachers and most married people (I only say "most" because I was quite upset with my married male therapist a month ago because he doesn't think Jeremy loved me, which we later determined I need to believe to feel lovable). I believe sex will always hurt, too, that I'll never have any power or control at all in my relationship, I'll just love him and he will walk all over me and may not even know how much he is hurting me. I realized that, in my relationship with Brandon, he'd hurt me once, and I'd let him know I was upset about it, and, when he'd do it again, I'd shrivel up a bit inside. The main incident here was about the hair on my upper lip--he said it was a problem, I cried about it, the next day I told him that, if this was going to be a big thing I needed to break up with him, he said it wasn't, it was just sometimes distracting when we were kissing, but that wasn't the only time he mentioned it--at least two other times, maybe more. Why didn't I break up with him the second or third time? Because I was an idiot and loved him and just absorbed and internalized it. I realize now that this made me feel that he thought his distraction was more important than the pain his initial comment caused. I have no idea if he ever thought of it that way, and probably never will. He was also routinely late and ill-prepared, and I'm pretty sure he only broke up with me that last time because he was a coward. Most of this has been in my head so long I'd be surprised if most of you didn't know it all yet.
This has been waiting long enough--it's not 03/08/14. I think I'm ready to post this. I think I wrote this in November or December 2013--the date is a guess.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Emotional Vomit
I know it's been a long time (again), and that I'm leaving a big gap, but I needed to write, and get this all out, and not on Facebook--too public. I can't sleep because I'm running through crazy things--fighting with Jeremy and my recent ex-boyfriend Brandon. I realized (while I was on my CO trip) that the reason why I was hanging onto my relationship with Brandon so much (desperately, more like) was because, sometime along the way I equated our relationship to that between my husband and me. Something about all the hurt I felt and how I felt I couldn't talk to him and felt unimportant. . . It was like, if I could stick it out and make it work, somehow that "fixed" my marriage. I know it's not rational, but, apparently it's rather normal. It's painful, and that's part of why I had that post on Facebook about worrying that's all I'll get--because it was like I sought this out--what if that's what I will always seek out? A bit discouraging!! And he showed up at church (was late), I had noticed his girlfriend (though I didn't know that she was the one he was dating until later) because we're at least acquaintances--we smiled at each other, at least--but, when I noticed he was there, and had his arm around her, I lost it. I'm lucky I held it in so well. Erin, bless her, noticed I was distraught and put her arm around me and just held me for most of the rest of the meeting. I don't think I could've kept my sobs captive (i.e. silent) if not for her.
Right before Sunday School, I saw Achelle in the hallway, and she knew something was wrong, and had me sit with her and talk. It amazes me how much people believe in me--it's so hard to see that I'm anything other than a bumbling, gullible fool most of the time--I fear I love too easily and too much. I have really good friends, but there are people who take advantage of that, and I let them. Sometimes I let them do it for years (who remembers skirt-Shanna?). I would like to think that I've grown enough to stand up for myself, but then I'm proven wrong.
**********You may want to skip this paragraph, it's really a stream of consciousness of my inner fights with Jeremy**********
So, the running in my head--you know it's just trying to go back and fix things. Like, what if I had stood up to Jeremy? What if I had stopped the duty sex on my own? The problem is, every time I confront him about it (in my head, because that didn't happen in real life), it seems like it comes out meaner and nastier. . . I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to see that what he was doing was wrong and fix it. What if I had moved to the computer room and refused to sleep in the bedroom? Once he came home late from spending time with his friends and I had locked him out of the bedroom, left a note on the door telling him to leave me alone--he banged on the door until I let him in. What if I hadn't? What if I had left after he acted out in anger? Or when he told me I didn't have any friends or any of the other things he said designed to make me feel like I was worthless? (Once I let him apologize, thinking it would help, but it didn't.)
**********And now we're done.
I've been told he loved me the best way he knew how, and I think I still believe that, but it's hard to think that I'm worth more when most of my romantic relationships don't show that. I know I hide my eyes in the halls at church--there are just so many people in my ward (666 members as of Sunday, they said), and it's easy for me to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time I just feel so discouraged, that this is all there is for me--being a part of the new generation through my nieces and nephew and my friends' children, but sometimes I have this glimmer of hope. . . But I don't see how that could possibly be. Boys, guys, men--whatever you want to call them--aren't that interested in me. There are rare cases where they will ask me on a date (7, I think, in total, compared to the 17 or so I've asked), but. . . I think I expect too much. I probably throw my whole self in and they are scared off. I wonder if that's something I should change. I don't know. Brandon got upset--after he broke up with me the third and final time--when I said something about how I wouldn't be asked out on dates, and, after I got done being upset about it, I wondered what he thought dating him did to make me so much more attractive or datable to other men, and that made me laugh. Still makes me smile. But now, back to the story.
Anyway, some lady (I think she was one of the advisory couples) stopped and asked if I needed a blessing. Achelle said I did, and, who am I to say otherwise? I did want one, just feel bad for needing one so soon after Uncle John's blessing. So she whisked me away to one of the bishopric, and I grabbed one of my home teachers on the way to help (he was in the right place at the right time--what can I say?). He said that I was a precious daughter of God, and that He loves me very much, and is mindful of my pain. Makes me cry again to just think about it. Isn't it interesting how sometimes that's what we need, to know that He knows how we feel? I need to know that I'm understood, that I'm not alone--it's so easy for me to forget. Even when I feel I'm doing well I feel separate from others because surely they can't or won't understand because of all I've gone through. Sometimes I've tried to share only to be told I just need to get over it--I wish I could, I just don't know how!! Don't you think I would've if I could have figured that out? (Yes, this is something we're working on in therapy.) Something that came up in my last session--don't know if Nate said it, or if this is how I interpreted it: "Don't linger there (in your marriage with Jeremy)--that's not you anymore." I need to make a sign, maybe a couple, saying that. I've been forgetting all week.
Anyway, I know this is twisted and convoluted, but I needed to get it up and out. And, hopefully, that'll help me sleep tonight. Love you and miss you always.
Liska
P.S. Relief Society, as usual, was awesome. Sunday School is always the hurdle.
Right before Sunday School, I saw Achelle in the hallway, and she knew something was wrong, and had me sit with her and talk. It amazes me how much people believe in me--it's so hard to see that I'm anything other than a bumbling, gullible fool most of the time--I fear I love too easily and too much. I have really good friends, but there are people who take advantage of that, and I let them. Sometimes I let them do it for years (who remembers skirt-Shanna?). I would like to think that I've grown enough to stand up for myself, but then I'm proven wrong.
**********You may want to skip this paragraph, it's really a stream of consciousness of my inner fights with Jeremy**********
So, the running in my head--you know it's just trying to go back and fix things. Like, what if I had stood up to Jeremy? What if I had stopped the duty sex on my own? The problem is, every time I confront him about it (in my head, because that didn't happen in real life), it seems like it comes out meaner and nastier. . . I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to see that what he was doing was wrong and fix it. What if I had moved to the computer room and refused to sleep in the bedroom? Once he came home late from spending time with his friends and I had locked him out of the bedroom, left a note on the door telling him to leave me alone--he banged on the door until I let him in. What if I hadn't? What if I had left after he acted out in anger? Or when he told me I didn't have any friends or any of the other things he said designed to make me feel like I was worthless? (Once I let him apologize, thinking it would help, but it didn't.)
**********And now we're done.
I've been told he loved me the best way he knew how, and I think I still believe that, but it's hard to think that I'm worth more when most of my romantic relationships don't show that. I know I hide my eyes in the halls at church--there are just so many people in my ward (666 members as of Sunday, they said), and it's easy for me to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time I just feel so discouraged, that this is all there is for me--being a part of the new generation through my nieces and nephew and my friends' children, but sometimes I have this glimmer of hope. . . But I don't see how that could possibly be. Boys, guys, men--whatever you want to call them--aren't that interested in me. There are rare cases where they will ask me on a date (7, I think, in total, compared to the 17 or so I've asked), but. . . I think I expect too much. I probably throw my whole self in and they are scared off. I wonder if that's something I should change. I don't know. Brandon got upset--after he broke up with me the third and final time--when I said something about how I wouldn't be asked out on dates, and, after I got done being upset about it, I wondered what he thought dating him did to make me so much more attractive or datable to other men, and that made me laugh. Still makes me smile. But now, back to the story.
Anyway, some lady (I think she was one of the advisory couples) stopped and asked if I needed a blessing. Achelle said I did, and, who am I to say otherwise? I did want one, just feel bad for needing one so soon after Uncle John's blessing. So she whisked me away to one of the bishopric, and I grabbed one of my home teachers on the way to help (he was in the right place at the right time--what can I say?). He said that I was a precious daughter of God, and that He loves me very much, and is mindful of my pain. Makes me cry again to just think about it. Isn't it interesting how sometimes that's what we need, to know that He knows how we feel? I need to know that I'm understood, that I'm not alone--it's so easy for me to forget. Even when I feel I'm doing well I feel separate from others because surely they can't or won't understand because of all I've gone through. Sometimes I've tried to share only to be told I just need to get over it--I wish I could, I just don't know how!! Don't you think I would've if I could have figured that out? (Yes, this is something we're working on in therapy.) Something that came up in my last session--don't know if Nate said it, or if this is how I interpreted it: "Don't linger there (in your marriage with Jeremy)--that's not you anymore." I need to make a sign, maybe a couple, saying that. I've been forgetting all week.
Anyway, I know this is twisted and convoluted, but I needed to get it up and out. And, hopefully, that'll help me sleep tonight. Love you and miss you always.
Liska
P.S. Relief Society, as usual, was awesome. Sunday School is always the hurdle.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Moving to SLC
It's been too long, I know. I'm sorry. This whole post feels like a catch-up. Sorry for all of you who already know all this!
Long story short, I ended up working as a cook in the county jail there, I really enjoyed it, but I'm sure it will always be the biggest spot of color on my resume. I stopped taking all my anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds in January because my health insurance ran out. It was pretty hard. I'm better than I was, but I'm still crying about all kinds of crazy things--I don't think crying at commercials is fair in any way, shape, or form.
John & I broke up sometime in April or May, I may put in more info about that pulled from old emails later, but that's really why it's been so long--because I hadn't gotten around to it yet--so I'm just writing anyway. At first, I was upset, but now I'm OK, the further from the relationship I've gotten the more OK with it I am, really. I saw John in WI when I was visiting Lisa, and there was nothing. It was very weird.
Anyway, I moved in with my sister, Adrienne, & her family in Ogden, UT. I really think her husband may have felt slightly guilty for everything because he's pushed me to date John for so long because he wanted a life-long supply of John stories. I've been doing customer service in June for DirecTV, took while to become OK with my job, mostly I hated the instability of my schedule and having to work Sundays. We all moved to Syracuse the weekend of my birthday in July, and, sometime in November or so I started trying to find a job in Salt Lake City--I've been attending a mid-singles ward there and want to start going to activities, or, at least, have less excuses to not go. Right now, even if I have the time off I've been talking myself out of going because it's so far away. Hopefully I'll start feeling like I'm an actual part of the ward. It's been difficult--the ward has at least 600 people at church every week, feels like stake conference every Sunday--but it's getting better. We have stake conference this week, and there have been rumors that there will be some changes. I hope so, but I'm also worried--hoping I'll still have friends in my ward no matter what happens!
After not getting any bites for a job I could live on for a bit, the week of Thanksgiving I finally decided to bite the bullet and go back to school. So I'll be starting at Salt Lake Community College on Monday, January 9, 2012. A couple people have been asking me such pointed questions about what I want to do & be that I've felt attacked--how am I supposed to know? I just figured this was a step forward, isn't any specific direction going to be better at this point? The biggest reason why it's taken me so long to go back to school is because I didn't know. It was terribly discouraging to me to be at the receiving end of that interrogation, I guess I expected support. I don't know how to label what they were doing--it was like they wanted me to put it off until I did know, but then I know it'd never happen.
I'd been trying to transfer to Salt Lake through work as well as looking for another job entirely, but it wasn't working--my paperwork slipped through the cracks because my supervisor kept changing. . . My original supervisor went through training with us, so we were pretty close--her husband had some heart attacks then died, so we were on her team, then not, then on again, then she moved back to Ohio because her daughter was taking it so poorly, so we were off again, and that's right about when I was trying to transfer. Thankfully, my next supervisor forced it all through for me, so I'll be starting that on Monday, too. I also found a room to rent in a house with someone from the ward.
I moved in last Monday, I just have some laundry, computer, & bedding left here. I still have some things in Storage, too, maybe that'll get packed tomorrow. It still seems terribly unreal to me because, although all my stuff has been there since this last Monday, I haven't been. Aide & co. went on vacation to Disneyland, so I've been "monster dog-sitting" for them. I pretty much feel stuck in a surreal bizarre world all by myself where I don't know what to eat or what to do with myself. . . Although it's almost like I eased myself into this position, I've kinda felt like I've been on pins and needles since John & I broke up. I didn't know what I was doing in Wyoming anymore, and felt like I had two choices: go on to Utah, or go back to Wisconsin. I missed Wisconsin horribly, but felt like it wasn't time for me to go back yet, like I'd go back without having accomplished anything. Plus, I figured I'd have a greater chance of meeting someone if I moved to Utah. But that all seems moot now, I currently can't imagine wanting to spend my whole life with anyone.
I'm pretty tired of everything, mainly apathetic about everything. I went home for Christmas, and got to see Mom & a couple of my best friends, and yet I wasn't excited about it at all. Don't get me wrong, it was great to see you all, and I'm glad I did, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. The main thing I've been feeling is anxiety, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm worried I won't be able to pay for school--I'm taking out a loan, and I've never had to do that before, never owed anyone a significant amount of money except my parents--what if I fail again? What if I can't pay it back? What if the leave of absence I used to cover the trip home until I could start up again didn't go through and so I lost my job instead of having this transfer work? I don't have anyone to call to check on that, you know, I don't know anyone where I'll be starting working; I'm changing projects and everything, what if that fell through because of it? What if my roommate gets on my nerves or she hates me? You know, I didn't realize how lucky I was in my roommates in WI--Megmau, Lisa, & Brit were all fantastic, and I'm sure that they were much better for me than I ever was for them (especially for poor Meghan), I had a run of bad roommates in WY--the first one I had there was by far the best.
I feel like I've wasted every chance I've been given, and worry that this will just be another. Something about I've already shriveled up and died on the inside, will I ever be me again? Hopefully soon I'll remember who I am--I don't know exactly how long it's been since I've knitted or finger-painted--not since I've moved to Utah, at least--it's been in storage most of the time I've lived here. I just don't know. I'm sorry if this post was disjointed, but I figured I should post something before I jump out into the huge unknown. *sigh!*
Long story short, I ended up working as a cook in the county jail there, I really enjoyed it, but I'm sure it will always be the biggest spot of color on my resume. I stopped taking all my anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds in January because my health insurance ran out. It was pretty hard. I'm better than I was, but I'm still crying about all kinds of crazy things--I don't think crying at commercials is fair in any way, shape, or form.
John & I broke up sometime in April or May, I may put in more info about that pulled from old emails later, but that's really why it's been so long--because I hadn't gotten around to it yet--so I'm just writing anyway. At first, I was upset, but now I'm OK, the further from the relationship I've gotten the more OK with it I am, really. I saw John in WI when I was visiting Lisa, and there was nothing. It was very weird.
Anyway, I moved in with my sister, Adrienne, & her family in Ogden, UT. I really think her husband may have felt slightly guilty for everything because he's pushed me to date John for so long because he wanted a life-long supply of John stories. I've been doing customer service in June for DirecTV, took while to become OK with my job, mostly I hated the instability of my schedule and having to work Sundays. We all moved to Syracuse the weekend of my birthday in July, and, sometime in November or so I started trying to find a job in Salt Lake City--I've been attending a mid-singles ward there and want to start going to activities, or, at least, have less excuses to not go. Right now, even if I have the time off I've been talking myself out of going because it's so far away. Hopefully I'll start feeling like I'm an actual part of the ward. It's been difficult--the ward has at least 600 people at church every week, feels like stake conference every Sunday--but it's getting better. We have stake conference this week, and there have been rumors that there will be some changes. I hope so, but I'm also worried--hoping I'll still have friends in my ward no matter what happens!
After not getting any bites for a job I could live on for a bit, the week of Thanksgiving I finally decided to bite the bullet and go back to school. So I'll be starting at Salt Lake Community College on Monday, January 9, 2012. A couple people have been asking me such pointed questions about what I want to do & be that I've felt attacked--how am I supposed to know? I just figured this was a step forward, isn't any specific direction going to be better at this point? The biggest reason why it's taken me so long to go back to school is because I didn't know. It was terribly discouraging to me to be at the receiving end of that interrogation, I guess I expected support. I don't know how to label what they were doing--it was like they wanted me to put it off until I did know, but then I know it'd never happen.
I'd been trying to transfer to Salt Lake through work as well as looking for another job entirely, but it wasn't working--my paperwork slipped through the cracks because my supervisor kept changing. . . My original supervisor went through training with us, so we were pretty close--her husband had some heart attacks then died, so we were on her team, then not, then on again, then she moved back to Ohio because her daughter was taking it so poorly, so we were off again, and that's right about when I was trying to transfer. Thankfully, my next supervisor forced it all through for me, so I'll be starting that on Monday, too. I also found a room to rent in a house with someone from the ward.
I moved in last Monday, I just have some laundry, computer, & bedding left here. I still have some things in Storage, too, maybe that'll get packed tomorrow. It still seems terribly unreal to me because, although all my stuff has been there since this last Monday, I haven't been. Aide & co. went on vacation to Disneyland, so I've been "monster dog-sitting" for them. I pretty much feel stuck in a surreal bizarre world all by myself where I don't know what to eat or what to do with myself. . . Although it's almost like I eased myself into this position, I've kinda felt like I've been on pins and needles since John & I broke up. I didn't know what I was doing in Wyoming anymore, and felt like I had two choices: go on to Utah, or go back to Wisconsin. I missed Wisconsin horribly, but felt like it wasn't time for me to go back yet, like I'd go back without having accomplished anything. Plus, I figured I'd have a greater chance of meeting someone if I moved to Utah. But that all seems moot now, I currently can't imagine wanting to spend my whole life with anyone.
I'm pretty tired of everything, mainly apathetic about everything. I went home for Christmas, and got to see Mom & a couple of my best friends, and yet I wasn't excited about it at all. Don't get me wrong, it was great to see you all, and I'm glad I did, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. The main thing I've been feeling is anxiety, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm worried I won't be able to pay for school--I'm taking out a loan, and I've never had to do that before, never owed anyone a significant amount of money except my parents--what if I fail again? What if I can't pay it back? What if the leave of absence I used to cover the trip home until I could start up again didn't go through and so I lost my job instead of having this transfer work? I don't have anyone to call to check on that, you know, I don't know anyone where I'll be starting working; I'm changing projects and everything, what if that fell through because of it? What if my roommate gets on my nerves or she hates me? You know, I didn't realize how lucky I was in my roommates in WI--Megmau, Lisa, & Brit were all fantastic, and I'm sure that they were much better for me than I ever was for them (especially for poor Meghan), I had a run of bad roommates in WY--the first one I had there was by far the best.
I feel like I've wasted every chance I've been given, and worry that this will just be another. Something about I've already shriveled up and died on the inside, will I ever be me again? Hopefully soon I'll remember who I am--I don't know exactly how long it's been since I've knitted or finger-painted--not since I've moved to Utah, at least--it's been in storage most of the time I've lived here. I just don't know. I'm sorry if this post was disjointed, but I figured I should post something before I jump out into the huge unknown. *sigh!*
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
First News from Gillette
Things are going well, still no job, but I'm working on it.
My first Sunday here was the fast Sunday, I bore my testimony in RS (because I'm a wuss and boys are scary), and then there was a potluck! John and I had made a double batch of my burrito casserole for it--of course it was a hit! Yes, that there was a note of pride. lol. I'm so silly!
Last week (which was the next week) was sad, as John was in Mitchell and I was all alone and didn't know anyone other than my roommate, so I went to the library and spent QT with Victor, who isn't nearly as much fun when he isn't connected to the Internet. . . Sunday was good, I conducted the music in Sacrament meeting--the pianist wasn't used to having a "real" conductor, so it took her a bit to realize I was actually conducting. . . lol! And I had everyone stand up for the rest hymn, which took them all by surprise! They should've warned me that they don't stand for those here when they asked me to conduct, I say. :) Two people in the congregation saw me and stood up, then the branch presidency twisted around and asked if we were standing, and I told them, yeah, I had motioned for everyone to stand three times already, we were standing, then they stood up and everyone else followed suit. lol. The pianist (Mary Beth--MB) was totally on my side. :)
It was a good meeting, good Sunday School, good RS lesson. After church I talked to MB and Chelsea, who is getting married today, and they invited me to get a pedicure with them the next day (Monday). So I went, and that was fun, my toes are still cute!! And I went to FHE (last week I skipped, I was tired after all the things I had done with John!)--water balloon dodgeball, which quickly turned into a water fight--it was so much fun! Then FHE Sarah (because there's more than one), Jordan, James & I went to Perkins and hung out for an hour or so. And that's probably when my cough settled into my chest--I now have an all-out cold, which is very annoying, especially since I realized I probably could've done something to alleviate it by changing out of my wet clothes after FHE. . . And John returned late last night, I now have a library card!! which will make everything much easier. :) And that's that. I am happy and optimistic again. John and I are reading scriptures together every night, and, in general, busy getting things done for his trailers, etc., during the day--I say it's all good!! I love you all and am sending you fierce thought hugs!!
My first Sunday here was the fast Sunday, I bore my testimony in RS (because I'm a wuss and boys are scary), and then there was a potluck! John and I had made a double batch of my burrito casserole for it--of course it was a hit! Yes, that there was a note of pride. lol. I'm so silly!
Last week (which was the next week) was sad, as John was in Mitchell and I was all alone and didn't know anyone other than my roommate, so I went to the library and spent QT with Victor, who isn't nearly as much fun when he isn't connected to the Internet. . . Sunday was good, I conducted the music in Sacrament meeting--the pianist wasn't used to having a "real" conductor, so it took her a bit to realize I was actually conducting. . . lol! And I had everyone stand up for the rest hymn, which took them all by surprise! They should've warned me that they don't stand for those here when they asked me to conduct, I say. :) Two people in the congregation saw me and stood up, then the branch presidency twisted around and asked if we were standing, and I told them, yeah, I had motioned for everyone to stand three times already, we were standing, then they stood up and everyone else followed suit. lol. The pianist (Mary Beth--MB) was totally on my side. :)
It was a good meeting, good Sunday School, good RS lesson. After church I talked to MB and Chelsea, who is getting married today, and they invited me to get a pedicure with them the next day (Monday). So I went, and that was fun, my toes are still cute!! And I went to FHE (last week I skipped, I was tired after all the things I had done with John!)--water balloon dodgeball, which quickly turned into a water fight--it was so much fun! Then FHE Sarah (because there's more than one), Jordan, James & I went to Perkins and hung out for an hour or so. And that's probably when my cough settled into my chest--I now have an all-out cold, which is very annoying, especially since I realized I probably could've done something to alleviate it by changing out of my wet clothes after FHE. . . And John returned late last night, I now have a library card!! which will make everything much easier. :) And that's that. I am happy and optimistic again. John and I are reading scriptures together every night, and, in general, busy getting things done for his trailers, etc., during the day--I say it's all good!! I love you all and am sending you fierce thought hugs!!
Love and Laughs Always,
Angelmoth
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I Must Be Dreaming. . .
Rapid City is off--Gillette is on.
I talked to Lisa today. It was good to hear from her, she reminded me that I'm excited to finally be leaving Madison, not just because of this thing with John--although that's happy, too.
However, I'm almost worried it's a dream, how can it be real? I'm talking into a box, and I hear him. . . And his voice is saying things I've wanted to hear for so long, how could I not wonder? I never thought this would happen, I thought our chance had passed years and years ago. But, here we are, and, at times, it's too fantastic to believe. I think I'll feel better about this when he comes for my birthday; it'll be so good to see him and talk to him face-to-face, even if all we do is repeat everything we've already said, I'll get to see him, gauge his body language and facial expressions. . . And finally see the sincerity I need.
It's so silly that I'm practically scared of this--at least, some of it. In the last eight-ten years, I've felt like all of my guy friends have left me--moved away, got married (which is practically moving away as they aren't in my ward anymore so I barely ever see them), died--and I'm scared he will, too. Not like he'd abandon me on purpose, but what if he dies? I don't know if I could handle that, not now. Eventually, yes. Oh, what a cruel twist of fate that would be, after so much wishful thinking and suddenly having those wishes come to life, only to shudder and die before the light of day. Yes, a tad dramatic, but I don't think that makes my concern invalid. Especially in light of the Fanbike incident, his falling off a three story building, car accidents. . . As far as I know, it's been a couple years since anything life-threatening has happened to him, but that doesn't help.
I have no idea how to express this to him--I don't know if I can, not even sure he has the capacity to understand this fully. One thing's for sure--it's definitely not a phone conversation. And it's probably premature to boot. So, all I can do for now is to tell him to take care. And worry, yes, always that. *sigh!* And, yes, I'll try to remember to talk to my therapist about this next time I see her.
In other news: I have found a new set of muscles that are sore, funnily enough, lower front right abdomen--yes, that's correct, just the one side. I'm not sure how it happened, either--yoga today didn't do anything for it--maybe laughing so much at xkpc comics? That's all I can come up with for that. And I've discovered that my right thigh stretches more easily than my left one. Why can't I ever be symmetrical in any part of my body? And my capris feel bigger.
Oh, and Meghan and I have started looking into apartment fixes. I think this will end up working! And there's the excitement again! And I'll leave you on that note. :)
I talked to Lisa today. It was good to hear from her, she reminded me that I'm excited to finally be leaving Madison, not just because of this thing with John--although that's happy, too.
However, I'm almost worried it's a dream, how can it be real? I'm talking into a box, and I hear him. . . And his voice is saying things I've wanted to hear for so long, how could I not wonder? I never thought this would happen, I thought our chance had passed years and years ago. But, here we are, and, at times, it's too fantastic to believe. I think I'll feel better about this when he comes for my birthday; it'll be so good to see him and talk to him face-to-face, even if all we do is repeat everything we've already said, I'll get to see him, gauge his body language and facial expressions. . . And finally see the sincerity I need.
It's so silly that I'm practically scared of this--at least, some of it. In the last eight-ten years, I've felt like all of my guy friends have left me--moved away, got married (which is practically moving away as they aren't in my ward anymore so I barely ever see them), died--and I'm scared he will, too. Not like he'd abandon me on purpose, but what if he dies? I don't know if I could handle that, not now. Eventually, yes. Oh, what a cruel twist of fate that would be, after so much wishful thinking and suddenly having those wishes come to life, only to shudder and die before the light of day. Yes, a tad dramatic, but I don't think that makes my concern invalid. Especially in light of the Fanbike incident, his falling off a three story building, car accidents. . . As far as I know, it's been a couple years since anything life-threatening has happened to him, but that doesn't help.
I have no idea how to express this to him--I don't know if I can, not even sure he has the capacity to understand this fully. One thing's for sure--it's definitely not a phone conversation. And it's probably premature to boot. So, all I can do for now is to tell him to take care. And worry, yes, always that. *sigh!* And, yes, I'll try to remember to talk to my therapist about this next time I see her.
In other news: I have found a new set of muscles that are sore, funnily enough, lower front right abdomen--yes, that's correct, just the one side. I'm not sure how it happened, either--yoga today didn't do anything for it--maybe laughing so much at xkpc comics? That's all I can come up with for that. And I've discovered that my right thigh stretches more easily than my left one. Why can't I ever be symmetrical in any part of my body? And my capris feel bigger.
Oh, and Meghan and I have started looking into apartment fixes. I think this will end up working! And there's the excitement again! And I'll leave you on that note. :)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
South Dakota Vacation
Wow, talk about later. I just read my last blog and cried--I forgot how hard and awful everything was then. I feel much better currently. So, a few things before I get to my story: I'm planning on moving to South Dakota soonish--my guess is by the end of July. I came to this decision after a conversation with Donna at the temple--I asked her about her granddaughter, mentioned how much I missed having kids around, and she advised me to consider going back to the 2nd ward--"Just think about it; talk to your bishop about it," she said.
So I thought and prayed about it that day at the temple, and I've got to admit that the more I considered it, the more excited I became. I realized I was excited about leaving the singles ward, not specifically about going to the 2nd ward at all, and then Rapid City came to mind. I've thought and prayed about this, and made the decision sometime while preparing for my vacation with Mama to South Dakota. So, I'm going, and that part's done--now on to the fun. :)
OK, are you ready? Are you ready? I don't think you're ready, you don't LOOK ready. Oh, well, I'm ready, so here's the story, with as much truncation as I can bear:
Once upon a time there was a young woman named Angelmoth who would find the people on the outskirts of activities and then include them (I'm pretty sure she no longer does this anymore, but she used to). In this manner she met a nice fellow named John. Blah blah blah, she liked him, she took him to her junior prom (her first date, probably his, too), where she realized that she really liked him, nothing really happened, she went to college way far away, but they were still friends. After her 2nd year of college, she came home for the summer to find that, lo and behold! He was dating someone else. Granted, this someone else (Lindsay) is rather forward in her pursuit of John. . . Something one could accuse Angelmoth of herself. Anyway, she was upset, who did Lindsay think she was, horning in on her territory like that? With what definitely were dubious motivations, Angelmoth decided to tell John she liked him. They held hands the night of the revelation and a good part of the next day, as well. Then, nothing. She waited, nothing. Finally, right before John went on his mission (July? 2000), she got him to talk to her about it, on their way to his house from Institute. She doesn't remember most of the conversation because she was rather stuck on the first part and being unable to escape--he didn't like her, he had just held her hand because he 'thought [she] wanted it'. I'm sure you can guess at least a bit of what she felt. He went on his mission, she got married the next year, he came home, her husband died, blah blah blah.
Once while John was home visiting (2006?), they went on a walk, and he told her that when he said he hadn't liked her, it was a lie, that he had liked her. She was shocked, having long ago given up on John as a romantic interest, considering what he had said before. Then she started thinking about it off and on. Throughout the blah-ness to follow there were several times where she wondered if maybe he did still like her and if she liked him and what that meant and why, but did nothing. Recently, however, the wonder increased and she started considering actually talking to him about it, but, again, did nothing because she didn't know what her motivations this time were--she worried she might be trying to validate herself or something, and did not think that a good enough reason to do anything.
At one point, her mother requested that she accompany her to her ancestral home for a vacation, and Angelmoth accepted, as she had no job and no real reason to not go. She talked to John--he lived only a couple hours away from where they would be--he was to be passing through anyway, would be happy to stop and visit, too. 1st day: dinosaur park with Mom, left her at the house while they went driving around to find a museum that they weren't going to go to (as Mom was the original person who wanted to go to said museum), which was frustrating, driving on a road Mom insisted John needed to see, which was beautiful but also frustrating, and many other things, including aches & pains, and, therefore, crankiness. End result: small explosion at the end of the day. Angelmoth got over herself, but not quickly enough. John was perturbed, and spent the next morning fixing the crooked ceiling fan and not talking to Angelmoth so he'd be "less annoying". She didn't take this well, had tried to apologize and explain to no avail. Eventually, as she watched him work on this supposedly meaningless (since, as far as she could see he'd never really have to deal with it ever again) task with sorrow growing in her heart, she realized she loved him. She immediately thought, "Oh, crap. Now what?"
Blah blah blah, they made up somehow (explanation of how it was a culmination of little things throughout the day and apology of not being vocal enough about her frustration, no doubt he apologized for something, too), everyone enjoyed having him there, even Uncle Jim, even as John and Angelmoth trounced him repeatedly at Mexican Train, whatever, John left a couple days later. He was going to Mitchell, which was on Angelmoth and Mom's way back home, and actually near their stopping point, only a half hour away from Mom's brother's house. As Angelmoth had wussed out so far on this trip by not talking to John about this, she felt no compunction in borrowing the car to give herself another go at whatever this was.
On the way to meet John, she contemplated her situation and felt great peace and excitement, an odd combination, to be sure.
Blah blah blah,Corn Palace Celestial Kingdom
Blah blah blah, at some point John said that he had been very surprised when hearing of Angelmoth's marriage as he had thought that, after he got back from his mission, "there would be a courtship of some kind and then [they'd] get married."
!!! How surprising!! Of course, Angelmoth could not hold back, said, "If I'd known that, my entire life would be different!" She also said something about how perhaps the beginning of her and Jeremy's relationship may have been a rebound from John (not something I would advise her to say at this point, but it's over and done now--it may give the wrong impression as she did actually love the guy enough to marry him at one point, you know), blah blah blah. . .
At some point John stood up and said, "Oh, it's getting late, you'd probably better go."
She knew it was now or never. She raised one finger, and locked her gaze on the picnic table. "Actually, I've been thinking about something about this for a long time." She paused, wondering how to begin. "You've been one of my best friends for at least a third of my life."
John sat down again. "I think you've been my best friend for as long as I've known you."
Angelmoth snuck a look at him, emboldened by this revelation, but not enough to actually meet his eyes. "I was wondering if maybe. . . we could give us a try." She continued to stare at the table as she careened towards self-destruction. "It's OK if you don't want to, I'm fine with that, I know it's sudden and unexpected and I don't want you to feel like you have to or anything," she blathered, as one does when one is nervous and laying things of this nature all out in the open.
"Um, sure, that'd be fine. But how would it work? I mean, I live a thousand miles away!"
"Well, when I move to South Dakota, that'll make it much easier." She remembered last week when she had told him about her plans to move and his delight at the idea of coming up to see her every weekend. At the time, she had wondered what game he was playing, was he going to try to keep her from dating? But now. . .
"Yeah, it will."
----
And that's all I remember well. There was a joke at some point "Well, at least we don't need to get to know one another!" Umm, we hugged, no hand holding, no kissing (something Meghan was sad about, as I am now her primary source of vicarious romance). This was on Sunday. I talked to him on Monday after I got home, and then again last night. Both were good conversations, though I was a little absorbed in Victor (my PC) after my long absence, and so was not very vested in Monday's call. Last night he ended the call with a rushed "Love ya, bye." I responded with "I love you, too, good-bye." because, of course, I already knew, I just didn't want to scare him off or whatever. . .
So I'm in a long-distance relationship with John!! He's coming for my family birthday weekend next month, acted like it wasn't anything at all to come. Isn't it exciting?
So I thought and prayed about it that day at the temple, and I've got to admit that the more I considered it, the more excited I became. I realized I was excited about leaving the singles ward, not specifically about going to the 2nd ward at all, and then Rapid City came to mind. I've thought and prayed about this, and made the decision sometime while preparing for my vacation with Mama to South Dakota. So, I'm going, and that part's done--now on to the fun. :)
OK, are you ready? Are you ready? I don't think you're ready, you don't LOOK ready. Oh, well, I'm ready, so here's the story, with as much truncation as I can bear:
Once upon a time there was a young woman named Angelmoth who would find the people on the outskirts of activities and then include them (I'm pretty sure she no longer does this anymore, but she used to). In this manner she met a nice fellow named John. Blah blah blah, she liked him, she took him to her junior prom (her first date, probably his, too), where she realized that she really liked him, nothing really happened, she went to college way far away, but they were still friends. After her 2nd year of college, she came home for the summer to find that, lo and behold! He was dating someone else. Granted, this someone else (Lindsay) is rather forward in her pursuit of John. . . Something one could accuse Angelmoth of herself. Anyway, she was upset, who did Lindsay think she was, horning in on her territory like that? With what definitely were dubious motivations, Angelmoth decided to tell John she liked him. They held hands the night of the revelation and a good part of the next day, as well. Then, nothing. She waited, nothing. Finally, right before John went on his mission (July? 2000), she got him to talk to her about it, on their way to his house from Institute. She doesn't remember most of the conversation because she was rather stuck on the first part and being unable to escape--he didn't like her, he had just held her hand because he 'thought [she] wanted it'. I'm sure you can guess at least a bit of what she felt. He went on his mission, she got married the next year, he came home, her husband died, blah blah blah.
Once while John was home visiting (2006?), they went on a walk, and he told her that when he said he hadn't liked her, it was a lie, that he had liked her. She was shocked, having long ago given up on John as a romantic interest, considering what he had said before. Then she started thinking about it off and on. Throughout the blah-ness to follow there were several times where she wondered if maybe he did still like her and if she liked him and what that meant and why, but did nothing. Recently, however, the wonder increased and she started considering actually talking to him about it, but, again, did nothing because she didn't know what her motivations this time were--she worried she might be trying to validate herself or something, and did not think that a good enough reason to do anything.
At one point, her mother requested that she accompany her to her ancestral home for a vacation, and Angelmoth accepted, as she had no job and no real reason to not go. She talked to John--he lived only a couple hours away from where they would be--he was to be passing through anyway, would be happy to stop and visit, too. 1st day: dinosaur park with Mom, left her at the house while they went driving around to find a museum that they weren't going to go to (as Mom was the original person who wanted to go to said museum), which was frustrating, driving on a road Mom insisted John needed to see, which was beautiful but also frustrating, and many other things, including aches & pains, and, therefore, crankiness. End result: small explosion at the end of the day. Angelmoth got over herself, but not quickly enough. John was perturbed, and spent the next morning fixing the crooked ceiling fan and not talking to Angelmoth so he'd be "less annoying". She didn't take this well, had tried to apologize and explain to no avail. Eventually, as she watched him work on this supposedly meaningless (since, as far as she could see he'd never really have to deal with it ever again) task with sorrow growing in her heart, she realized she loved him. She immediately thought, "Oh, crap. Now what?"
Blah blah blah, they made up somehow (explanation of how it was a culmination of little things throughout the day and apology of not being vocal enough about her frustration, no doubt he apologized for something, too), everyone enjoyed having him there, even Uncle Jim, even as John and Angelmoth trounced him repeatedly at Mexican Train, whatever, John left a couple days later. He was going to Mitchell, which was on Angelmoth and Mom's way back home, and actually near their stopping point, only a half hour away from Mom's brother's house. As Angelmoth had wussed out so far on this trip by not talking to John about this, she felt no compunction in borrowing the car to give herself another go at whatever this was.
On the way to meet John, she contemplated her situation and felt great peace and excitement, an odd combination, to be sure.
Blah blah blah,
Blah blah blah, at some point John said that he had been very surprised when hearing of Angelmoth's marriage as he had thought that, after he got back from his mission, "there would be a courtship of some kind and then [they'd] get married."
!!! How surprising!! Of course, Angelmoth could not hold back, said, "If I'd known that, my entire life would be different!" She also said something about how perhaps the beginning of her and Jeremy's relationship may have been a rebound from John (not something I would advise her to say at this point, but it's over and done now--it may give the wrong impression as she did actually love the guy enough to marry him at one point, you know), blah blah blah. . .
At some point John stood up and said, "Oh, it's getting late, you'd probably better go."
She knew it was now or never. She raised one finger, and locked her gaze on the picnic table. "Actually, I've been thinking about something about this for a long time." She paused, wondering how to begin. "You've been one of my best friends for at least a third of my life."
John sat down again. "I think you've been my best friend for as long as I've known you."
Angelmoth snuck a look at him, emboldened by this revelation, but not enough to actually meet his eyes. "I was wondering if maybe. . . we could give us a try." She continued to stare at the table as she careened towards self-destruction. "It's OK if you don't want to, I'm fine with that, I know it's sudden and unexpected and I don't want you to feel like you have to or anything," she blathered, as one does when one is nervous and laying things of this nature all out in the open.
"Um, sure, that'd be fine. But how would it work? I mean, I live a thousand miles away!"
"Well, when I move to South Dakota, that'll make it much easier." She remembered last week when she had told him about her plans to move and his delight at the idea of coming up to see her every weekend. At the time, she had wondered what game he was playing, was he going to try to keep her from dating? But now. . .
"Yeah, it will."
----
And that's all I remember well. There was a joke at some point "Well, at least we don't need to get to know one another!" Umm, we hugged, no hand holding, no kissing (something Meghan was sad about, as I am now her primary source of vicarious romance). This was on Sunday. I talked to him on Monday after I got home, and then again last night. Both were good conversations, though I was a little absorbed in Victor (my PC) after my long absence, and so was not very vested in Monday's call. Last night he ended the call with a rushed "Love ya, bye." I responded with "I love you, too, good-bye." because, of course, I already knew, I just didn't want to scare him off or whatever. . .
So I'm in a long-distance relationship with John!! He's coming for my family birthday weekend next month, acted like it wasn't anything at all to come. Isn't it exciting?
Friday, November 6, 2009
Grieving
I don't know how many of you knew this--I'm no longer working at Great Lakes--currently unemployed, as a matter of fact. I can't remember if I mentioned this in my other blogs or not--in a way it was a blessing, because it would've been much harder for me to spend time in Beloit during Dad's illness and everything if I had still been working. . . For that, I am glad. Mom is glad because she thinks I was stuck in a rut. I still remember when Dad told me he was proud of me for having a good job with good benefits, like I was finally taking care of myself. . . I don't remember Dad ever telling me he was proud of anything I had ever done before--I wonder now if maybe that was why I held on for as long as I did. At any rate, that part is done. I still have friends at Great Lakes, and I do not regret my time there. I learned many things, about myself and other people--I talked to a few people who became heroes to me because of their struggles and other things they've gone through that I only knew because I was there. . . So many things to remember and reflect on that I didn't have time to consider before, though I'm sure that's more because I didn't allow myself that time more than anything else.
Also, during that time I prepared for a mission, started working at the temple instead, had my back surgery, moved on to the University Ward. . . I grew a lot. One of my dear friends that I met through work (Amanda Jensen) said that I definitely have changed in the time I worked there--that I was visibly still angry and working on my grief at the beginning, and, well, that I'm not anymore. I don't know why I never believe myself that I'm getting better--I guess, in my head I still feel as stubborn and rebellious as ever. . . lol--it reminds me of when I'm tired and would hang out with John Wiltbank and would start being sharper with him the later it got--he never thought I crossed any lines, but I'm much more sarcastic in my head than I ever am verbally, so I would always apologize for everything, and he never noticed a difference. . . :)
So, now I'm living on the upper east side of Madison, just barely in the 2nd ward boundaries, impatiently waiting for the day I can go back to a family ward. I know I can change whenever I want, but I never really understood why I had to go there in the first place, and so I'm not sure I'm done with whatever it is I was supposed to do/learn there. So I'm still here.
This fall has been hard on me in so many ways--not only did we lose Dad, but, of course, any time you grieve it brings back memories of other grief--this October also marked the seventh year since Jeremy and Grandma Fairbank died. That's an episode I don't want to repeat--I almost feel as though I am doomed to; I don't know why October hates me so much! But something that made it much harder was that Lisa Wiltbank and Timothy Madsen (usually referred to on this blog as "Grant" to keep him seperate from the other Timothys in my life) both moved away this fall. Lisa went to Bloomington, Indiana, for graduate school, and Grant, well, he just left.
First, Lisa. She is one of my dearest friends--she helped me join the singles ward, she was my last true roommate (as opposed to housemates and apartmentmates). We got along swimmingly; she can always make me laugh, and, more than that, she recognizes when that's a good thing, and she uses it wisely. She's been my partner in crime for so long! I really didn't know what to do without her. Her leaving wouldn't've been so bad except she didn't do well out there at the beginning. My heart ached for her so much--I've known and loved the Wiltbanks for so long I can't imagine anyone not adoring her instantly--and I couldn't go take care of her. Thankfully, she came home for General Conference weekend and we talk often enough for me to see that things are going better for her--we're going to make it.
Now, Grant. He was the friend that I talked to about all my problems with--the one I talked to about my depression in particular. He understood. When he didn't understand the emotions by themselves, he was able to take my personality in context to my words and understand it through that filter. It's always been difficult for me to explain myself to others in that way--he made it easy. I've tried with other people, and sometimes they look at me like I'm from a different planet--I never felt that way when I talked to him. He'd been talking about leaving, but it felt like how we all talk about leaving--at least, how I do--we talk and nothing ever happens.
This spring he made it very clear he didn't expect to be here for another year, and that made it very real very fast--like I was scared to make any plans or even expect him here for my birthday because who knew when he would leave? I really rather panicked about this. Not so much about "Where would he go? What will he do?", much more selfish instead: "How could he do this to me? Why is he doing this?" etc. Until he gave me a much more stable time frame to expect this to happen (in the fall as opposed to any day), I was panicked. To me, it seemed he couldn't get away fast enough, and I personalize everything, so I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I remember when he was talking about quitting from Epic and how happy he seemed about it--when he actually gave his notice, he was happy. I had never seen him like that before, and I somehow didn't understand that it was because he had been so miserable here. To tell you the truth, that thought didn't cross my mind until he was gone and he mentioned it to me--he hadn't even realized how awful he had felt until he left (see email inserts below). I think I could've dealt with it well enough, but he didn't want to talk to me--didn't want me to call him, said he has "no privacy" at his parents' house.
That's about when October happened. I was OK until after the funeral--that's when the cracks of stress became apparent to everyone else, anyway--I practically scrambled away once Aide left. I had spent about a week and a half surrounded by family, and their emotions as well as the energy spent smothering my own feelings were overwhelming me. I went home to Madison, and promptly continued to stifle. I didn't want to worry Meghan or my family, didn't want Lisa to hurt for me like I had for her. . . I haven't been particularly social most of the year, but it got worse, to the point where you really did need to come see me to get me to leave the house to do almost anything. Grant knew what had happened--I did chat with him about it, and sent him the email about the funeral, and things, but. . . Nothing. No response, no reassurance, no jokes or anything.
Finally I used something Meghan was writing about for an excuse to call. I became frustrated after talking about that, probably sputtered a bit about not hearing from him, then hung up. Then I wrote him an email:
Also, during that time I prepared for a mission, started working at the temple instead, had my back surgery, moved on to the University Ward. . . I grew a lot. One of my dear friends that I met through work (Amanda Jensen) said that I definitely have changed in the time I worked there--that I was visibly still angry and working on my grief at the beginning, and, well, that I'm not anymore. I don't know why I never believe myself that I'm getting better--I guess, in my head I still feel as stubborn and rebellious as ever. . . lol--it reminds me of when I'm tired and would hang out with John Wiltbank and would start being sharper with him the later it got--he never thought I crossed any lines, but I'm much more sarcastic in my head than I ever am verbally, so I would always apologize for everything, and he never noticed a difference. . . :)
So, now I'm living on the upper east side of Madison, just barely in the 2nd ward boundaries, impatiently waiting for the day I can go back to a family ward. I know I can change whenever I want, but I never really understood why I had to go there in the first place, and so I'm not sure I'm done with whatever it is I was supposed to do/learn there. So I'm still here.
This fall has been hard on me in so many ways--not only did we lose Dad, but, of course, any time you grieve it brings back memories of other grief--this October also marked the seventh year since Jeremy and Grandma Fairbank died. That's an episode I don't want to repeat--I almost feel as though I am doomed to; I don't know why October hates me so much! But something that made it much harder was that Lisa Wiltbank and Timothy Madsen (usually referred to on this blog as "Grant" to keep him seperate from the other Timothys in my life) both moved away this fall. Lisa went to Bloomington, Indiana, for graduate school, and Grant, well, he just left.
First, Lisa. She is one of my dearest friends--she helped me join the singles ward, she was my last true roommate (as opposed to housemates and apartmentmates). We got along swimmingly; she can always make me laugh, and, more than that, she recognizes when that's a good thing, and she uses it wisely. She's been my partner in crime for so long! I really didn't know what to do without her. Her leaving wouldn't've been so bad except she didn't do well out there at the beginning. My heart ached for her so much--I've known and loved the Wiltbanks for so long I can't imagine anyone not adoring her instantly--and I couldn't go take care of her. Thankfully, she came home for General Conference weekend and we talk often enough for me to see that things are going better for her--we're going to make it.
Now, Grant. He was the friend that I talked to about all my problems with--the one I talked to about my depression in particular. He understood. When he didn't understand the emotions by themselves, he was able to take my personality in context to my words and understand it through that filter. It's always been difficult for me to explain myself to others in that way--he made it easy. I've tried with other people, and sometimes they look at me like I'm from a different planet--I never felt that way when I talked to him. He'd been talking about leaving, but it felt like how we all talk about leaving--at least, how I do--we talk and nothing ever happens.
This spring he made it very clear he didn't expect to be here for another year, and that made it very real very fast--like I was scared to make any plans or even expect him here for my birthday because who knew when he would leave? I really rather panicked about this. Not so much about "Where would he go? What will he do?", much more selfish instead: "How could he do this to me? Why is he doing this?" etc. Until he gave me a much more stable time frame to expect this to happen (in the fall as opposed to any day), I was panicked. To me, it seemed he couldn't get away fast enough, and I personalize everything, so I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I remember when he was talking about quitting from Epic and how happy he seemed about it--when he actually gave his notice, he was happy. I had never seen him like that before, and I somehow didn't understand that it was because he had been so miserable here. To tell you the truth, that thought didn't cross my mind until he was gone and he mentioned it to me--he hadn't even realized how awful he had felt until he left (see email inserts below). I think I could've dealt with it well enough, but he didn't want to talk to me--didn't want me to call him, said he has "no privacy" at his parents' house.
That's about when October happened. I was OK until after the funeral--that's when the cracks of stress became apparent to everyone else, anyway--I practically scrambled away once Aide left. I had spent about a week and a half surrounded by family, and their emotions as well as the energy spent smothering my own feelings were overwhelming me. I went home to Madison, and promptly continued to stifle. I didn't want to worry Meghan or my family, didn't want Lisa to hurt for me like I had for her. . . I haven't been particularly social most of the year, but it got worse, to the point where you really did need to come see me to get me to leave the house to do almost anything. Grant knew what had happened--I did chat with him about it, and sent him the email about the funeral, and things, but. . . Nothing. No response, no reassurance, no jokes or anything.
Finally I used something Meghan was writing about for an excuse to call. I became frustrated after talking about that, probably sputtered a bit about not hearing from him, then hung up. Then I wrote him an email:
Thu, Oct 29, 2009, Subject: Blah
OK, already ready to claim the craziness. Ummm. . . I can't imagine that you don't already know everything I have to say, so what's the point? Blah blah blah, I'm sorry, here goes.
I know it's not your fault that I'm so upset and feel so lonely, but I am and I do, and I miss you. I know you don't want me to call you--I've been pretty good at that, I think--but without something else to take the place of our phone calls, I feel a bit abandoned. I know that wasn't your intent by leaving, I know it's not your fault that everything happened this fall, I'm not blaming you for that. I know you never WANTed to be an emotional support for me; I never considered that I was forcing it on you, either. I don't care what we talk about, teasing each other and discussing fantasy and whatever else is fine, I just. . . Oh, I don't know. What does it matter anyway? Isn't this prolonging the inevitable? You left, you're getting what you wanted--for the most part, I'm leaving you alone.
Why am I doing this? I guess a part of me thinks perhaps you'd want to have some idea of what I'm thinking and why I'm like this--whatever it is.
Somehow these things tend to take you by surprise, though I have no idea how. Living in different states doesn't mean a thing to me, what, friendships don't cross state boundaries? So your only friends are people who currently live in Utah? If I lived in Saint George it'd make a difference? You and I both know the answer to that--the whole different state thing is full of crap.
I'm sorry, it was probably a mistake to call you today (thanks for the input, though), and I probably shouldn't be sending this to you, but I am, because I'm just SO TIRED of it all, I could just scream. Well, inside my head or all to myself, anyway--hermitdom always seems to come off the winner somehow.
So I'll go hide now.
No surprises there. His response:
Fri, Oct 30, 2009, Re: Blah
I'm really sorry that you're feeling abandonded, and I admit that it is more than a little my fault. I realize that you were using me as an emotional support (something I was usually fine with, provided you didn't ask too much of me), and considering what happened after I left, my leaving was probably especially inconvenient.
Of course, you are right about friendship not being restricted to state boundaries and so forth (although in this case, my comment was more based on the distance than the semi-arbitrary dividing of territory; if you were in St George or I in Wausau, I would have commented more specifically on the distance). I seemed so surprised because I had thought that I'd established prior to my leaving (admittedly a few months prior) that things wouldn't be the same after I left, in particular that I didn't want you to call me.
It's nothing against you; I just really wanted a clean break from being in Wisconsin. I don't think you ever knew how unhappy I was there (and I can't blame you for not knowing considering I don't think I fully realized it most of the time). My need to get out of Wisconsin was at least as much of my reason for leaving Epic as was my need to get out of Epic. Your frequent phone calls were a major part of my life in Wisconsin, so having you call me makes me feel like I'm still in Wisconsin.
After your father passed away, I did think that I should have called to support you somehow. I didn't for two reasons: First, I really didn't feel I had anything I could say to you to make you feel better. Second, as you said, I felt you needed to get used to the fact that I wasn't going to be around anymore. I can't be your emotional support forever, so I didn't want you to rely on me too much during this particular crisis.
I think I've said enough about this. Again, I'm sorry for the feeling of abandonment, but I really don't know how we could have avoided it at some point.
So, there we go. Apparently, that's the end. He's still my friend on Facebook; I don't know how long that will last. Sometimes I wonder if this is more like my relationship with Heath--except that Heath was Jeremy's friend, that's the only connection I have with him, I thought Grant and I were actually friends. I don't like comparing myself to Heath. *sigh!* I don't know, I guess I'm just as disillusioned as everyone else. This wasn't supposed to be the point of this entry, but this is where it ended up--I'm too tired to fix it or lead it anywhere else; I'll write more later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
