I've thought better of posting something pretty depressing on FB and decided to move it here, instead.
From Second Firsts:
"By the time I discovered the portal to a new world, I’d learned that when you experience a devastating loss from a death, a break up, a job loss or a divorce, what you are left with afterward is a life beyond a regular life. It is beyond a day-to-day experience.
The day I accepted how different I had become because of my grief and realized I was no longer the person I used to be—and that I could never go back—a doorway opened. I stepped through it into a new life that had the potential to surpass my most ambitious dreams.
I was no longer someone who lived her life just like everyone else. I was no longer thinking in the same way as my friends, my family, and my co-workers.
I was no longer talking, acting, and feeling the same.
So I stopped trying to fit the life I had left behind.
And I found that my pain lessened.
My new self was no longer trying to match my old surroundings.
Trying to remake the old life was what had hurt me the most.
At first it was hard to make the transition to being a new me, as I had to practice laughing again and had to face my fears head-on by taking risks again.
Above all else, I had to learn how to trust again.
That was the feeling that took me the longest to recover. But once I did, it took me the furthest."
Christina Rasmussen
from my new book Second Firsts: Live, Laugh and Love Again (Hay House, 2013)
ORDER HERE and learn to live again: http://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Live-Laugh-Again/dp/1401940838
My response:
I am still re-learning how to trust--it is hard. My relationship with my husband was not a healthy one--it was semi-abusive, I never knew which way was up, what he expected or wanted from me. Recently I was in another relationship that echoed some of those themes--yes, this man was different, the abuse was only verbal/emotional instead of including sexual and physical--but I felt stuck the same way, stuck by love. I finally stood up for myself and wouldn't take him back after he broke up with me the third time. My sister is proud of me, says that action shows that I have grown, that it took me that long (6-8 months) to break out of old habits. I think she believes I won't do it again--I wish I believed that, but I still think that, if I were in the same situation, I'd do it all over again. How do you know when you can trust yourself again?
And, men, why do you repeat things you know kill us inside, things we almost broke up with you for? Why do you say things that tell us that you don't want us to talk to you any more, and then never apologize? Why do I let you hurt me like that time and again? I wish I loved you less and me more, maybe just me more. Hope is a blessing and a curse. As time goes by, more of my dreams slip through my fingers--how long until I give up on them and you? Even if I did get married today, how big of a family could we have before it would kill me? For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a big family--now, I wonder if I'll ever get to be a mother at all. Aide says this is short-sighted of me--but the eternities just aren't the same. I don't know that I will feel the same, I don't know who I will be, I can't imagine myself there at all.
This is where I am right now. I have been sick for 4 weeks, and my voice is back to normal as of today. Monday (06/30/14) Aide said I was a "pile of disease" and Nate (friend from work) said I sounded terrible. Rose said I sounded fine. (Thank you, Rose!) Since I came down with this, I have seen Shaun once (for his b-day dinner that I planned before he said we'd just be friends), my visiting teachers once, some of the RS presidency once, Aide and kids once, my home teachers (new HT Ben Mucha and old HT Jason Brown) once, Meghan once (because she left for NYC at the end of June), Emma once (to return a book and pick up more from the series), Nora once, and Fea once. In that order. Looking at it now, it seems like a lot. It didn't feel like it. It felt like I was a pariah and couldn't touch anyone and wore a mask to go talk to Judy, etc, at work so I wouldn't get anyone else sick. I felt very much alone. My home teachers came over to give me a blessing--I was told I'm having these trials so I will gain understanding and strength. I'm feeling quite rebellious about that. What am I not understanding? And maybe I don't want to be strong--I'd just rather stop existing. Yes, let's pretend that would be possible. What would I need to do to earn that reward? You can see I really was not doing well by any definition of the word. I'm hoping to pull myself up out of that pit soon, hopefully before my birthday, because it would be a shame if I still wasn't fit for company by then. I think I'll start a puzzle tonight--isn't that why I put my coffee table downstairs in the first place?
Love and Laughs Always,
Liska
Showing posts with label blessing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessing. Show all posts
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Early 2014 Blues
It has been a while. Work has been crazy--my box is about twice as big as it used to be (40-ish instead of in the teens or low twenties), and I've already got 7 new cases for Monday as of 8pm Friday night. They are offering overtime, though, which is a great help--I put in just under 19 hours of overtime last week, and most of that was just finishing my work and doing my duties as Pod captain. I don't know how this will be fixed--it seems that only a few of the districts are being slammed. I'm not sure if it's lucky or not that the only two in this predicament on our team are the ones with the most tenure and that weren't recently on a special project.
I am doing better. I missed a lot of church in Jan and Feb, only went two times in the middle of Feb, but did make it last week and have to go this week because I am choristing. I think things started to look up for me about than two weekends ago--I saw "She Loves Me" with some friends from the ward, and the next day I say my cousin Allison (whose dad has cancer, lives in CO, is active in the LDS church as well as having always thought I was stupendous and awesome, which I could never fathom). She was in town with her husband, and we met at Aide's house--she met the kids, etc. It was great to see her. Also, I got to paint with the kids (both of whom resorted to brushes, to my [hopefully hidden] disappointment). I saw my old roommate, Rachel, who had taken care of selling Daisy for me--we went out to eat to celebrate her life, and it was good to just TALK. She helped me feel like I wasn't crazy for continuing to fight in my head over things, etc. I did not go to church that Sunday, but my visiting teacher dropped by with hot fudge sundaes on Monday, and I talked to her. I think I figured out that I was trying to punish Heavenly Father, like somehow all the crap that I've taken in was His fault, or something, and realized how completely silly that was, because, whereas I'm sure He's sad that I'm feeling this way and that I've been in uber-hiding mode, it doesn't actually hurt Him, and it's not going to change anything about how He feels for me or treats any of us. . . And Memma's birthday was on Tuesday (she's four now) and I actually left work on time (leaving work undone, but I did tell everyone and it was all easy--surveys) and spent the evening with Aide & Co again. . . And I don't remember much of anything else other than work and church. Oh, and, at church last week, everyone talked about how good the week before was, and, based on what they said about it, it sounded like it was everything I needed. Also, at church, the Larkins (one of the advisory couples for our mid-singles ward--we have over 700 members and they are there to support the bishop and help us) kinda cornered me, because my visiting teacher (Adrian) told them I needed a blessing. I did tell her I felt like I needed one, but things had been going better, so I had blown it off. But I did want one, and it was amazing. Unfortunately, I don't remember all of it anymore--the part that stuck with me was that I can ask my loved ones that have already died to help me. I didn't ever think of that, thought they would all be too busy doing things to barely think of me. It meant quite a lot to me to hear that. And, after the blessing, Sister Larkin said to her husband something like: "Did you know she is a widow?" He hadn't known. I do love and appreciate it when Heavenly Father shows me things like that--helps me see that He IS there and does see what I'm going through and cares. I did, however, mention before the blessing how Allison's dad was sick and that we wouldn't have him around much longer--that I had considered him to be the closest thing I have to a father on earth since Dad passed. . .
Anyway, I had a pretty good week this week--my coworkers thought my peach yogurt was spiked, I was so cheerful Tues and Wed. I've been working on a hat/scarf for Memma, and have found it helps me stay much calmer when I'm on the phone with difficult people. Things did get more mellow, and I'm worried that I'm starting to fight again, maybe more than I was at the beginning of the week. But I'm still hopeful. I found out that Aide talked to one of her friends and they are setting me up with another friend--apparently he found Aide through FB and then found me, and is OK with it, which, for whatever silly crazy reason, made me feel better and a lot more hopeful.
What I have been feeling is that, again, I was hopeless. It's like I felt like I scraped the barrel with Brandon (long story short, he molested his 17-year-old sister-in-law back in 1998 or so and went to prison and is, of course, on the sex offender registry and is still on parole, is not a current member of the LDS church, and was living in his father's basement.), and he didn't even want me, so who would? And, to top it all off, he married someone else about 5 months after our last date-ish activity, when it took him months to decide whether or not he really loved me, and then broke up with me so many times. . . And he never gave a reason for the last time--I've decided he only broke up with me then because I had mentioned that I had been considering breaking up since Christmas because we hadn't been communicating--basically, he was a coward, didn't want to possibly have me break up with him--and he thought we'd get back together again later, although I told him that, if he broke up with me again the time before that, I'd cut all ties. . . I'm pretty much a chump, you know? In general, I place everyone else I love above me, their needs almost always outweigh mine, and so I stayed his friend because he wanted me to be, despite his trampling of the boundaries I tried to set to protect myself, and I didn't think well enough of myself to enforce them until my camping trip, when he texted me that he was going to date his now-wife steadily and would not hang out with me anymore without her there, when I told him I was, finally, cutting him off, and did. (I must admit that I often wondered if he ever tried to contact me after that, how often, etc., and wonder what message he got if he ever tried to call. . . And have thought out who knows how many scenarios in which he tries to force me to recognize and talk to him. . .)
I will probably always worry that I will do the same thing in every romantic situation. My most-recent therapist said that I love too quickly and undeservedly--how can I dispute that? I'm just lucky that, in most instances, my girl friends don't take advantage of it and love me, too. I don't know how things will work out; most of the time I don't see what it would be like to not feel frantic in a relationship, which is silly because I didn't feel like that at all with John. . . Even though it was a bit like spinning my wheels while waiting for him to make a decision. Anyway, this started out as an email to a dear friend and ended up as what could only be a blog entry.
I almost forgot--I had a dream this morning that I wanted to remember--reminded me of an old dream I had where I was at an amusement park with Lindsay. . . Anyway, in this dream, I was on a trip with Aide, Lo, and Mom, at first I was on a train, then it morphed and I was in an RV-ish thing with some guy and everyone else was still on the train, and we very much clicked, so much so that he took me to his house, and my family showed up, and I think his family was there (I remember his mom, and at least 1 brother and 1 sister). . . And I took a shower or something and was wandering around without clothes on and no one was saying anything about it (which, in my dreams I have interpreted as having everything out in the open--I'm not hiding anything--like I'm baring my soul), and it was just easy and natural, not shameful or stressful at all. Then, apparently, all my clothes were there, like I was rummaging through my laundry basket to find an outfit to wear, and didn't feel like I had to wear anything special or cute for him, just comfy. I like that image, that thought. I hope someday I find it in real life.
And that's all I have to say today. It may be disjointed, but I needed to share it, and, truthfully, don't have a better venue than here. Not that I don't love you, but I don't want to be a burden and/or force any of my crazy on anyone. I mean, therapists ask for it--not many other people do.
Thank you.
I am doing better. I missed a lot of church in Jan and Feb, only went two times in the middle of Feb, but did make it last week and have to go this week because I am choristing. I think things started to look up for me about than two weekends ago--I saw "She Loves Me" with some friends from the ward, and the next day I say my cousin Allison (whose dad has cancer, lives in CO, is active in the LDS church as well as having always thought I was stupendous and awesome, which I could never fathom). She was in town with her husband, and we met at Aide's house--she met the kids, etc. It was great to see her. Also, I got to paint with the kids (both of whom resorted to brushes, to my [hopefully hidden] disappointment). I saw my old roommate, Rachel, who had taken care of selling Daisy for me--we went out to eat to celebrate her life, and it was good to just TALK. She helped me feel like I wasn't crazy for continuing to fight in my head over things, etc. I did not go to church that Sunday, but my visiting teacher dropped by with hot fudge sundaes on Monday, and I talked to her. I think I figured out that I was trying to punish Heavenly Father, like somehow all the crap that I've taken in was His fault, or something, and realized how completely silly that was, because, whereas I'm sure He's sad that I'm feeling this way and that I've been in uber-hiding mode, it doesn't actually hurt Him, and it's not going to change anything about how He feels for me or treats any of us. . . And Memma's birthday was on Tuesday (she's four now) and I actually left work on time (leaving work undone, but I did tell everyone and it was all easy--surveys) and spent the evening with Aide & Co again. . . And I don't remember much of anything else other than work and church. Oh, and, at church last week, everyone talked about how good the week before was, and, based on what they said about it, it sounded like it was everything I needed. Also, at church, the Larkins (one of the advisory couples for our mid-singles ward--we have over 700 members and they are there to support the bishop and help us) kinda cornered me, because my visiting teacher (Adrian) told them I needed a blessing. I did tell her I felt like I needed one, but things had been going better, so I had blown it off. But I did want one, and it was amazing. Unfortunately, I don't remember all of it anymore--the part that stuck with me was that I can ask my loved ones that have already died to help me. I didn't ever think of that, thought they would all be too busy doing things to barely think of me. It meant quite a lot to me to hear that. And, after the blessing, Sister Larkin said to her husband something like: "Did you know she is a widow?" He hadn't known. I do love and appreciate it when Heavenly Father shows me things like that--helps me see that He IS there and does see what I'm going through and cares. I did, however, mention before the blessing how Allison's dad was sick and that we wouldn't have him around much longer--that I had considered him to be the closest thing I have to a father on earth since Dad passed. . .
Anyway, I had a pretty good week this week--my coworkers thought my peach yogurt was spiked, I was so cheerful Tues and Wed. I've been working on a hat/scarf for Memma, and have found it helps me stay much calmer when I'm on the phone with difficult people. Things did get more mellow, and I'm worried that I'm starting to fight again, maybe more than I was at the beginning of the week. But I'm still hopeful. I found out that Aide talked to one of her friends and they are setting me up with another friend--apparently he found Aide through FB and then found me, and is OK with it, which, for whatever silly crazy reason, made me feel better and a lot more hopeful.
What I have been feeling is that, again, I was hopeless. It's like I felt like I scraped the barrel with Brandon (long story short, he molested his 17-year-old sister-in-law back in 1998 or so and went to prison and is, of course, on the sex offender registry and is still on parole, is not a current member of the LDS church, and was living in his father's basement.), and he didn't even want me, so who would? And, to top it all off, he married someone else about 5 months after our last date-ish activity, when it took him months to decide whether or not he really loved me, and then broke up with me so many times. . . And he never gave a reason for the last time--I've decided he only broke up with me then because I had mentioned that I had been considering breaking up since Christmas because we hadn't been communicating--basically, he was a coward, didn't want to possibly have me break up with him--and he thought we'd get back together again later, although I told him that, if he broke up with me again the time before that, I'd cut all ties. . . I'm pretty much a chump, you know? In general, I place everyone else I love above me, their needs almost always outweigh mine, and so I stayed his friend because he wanted me to be, despite his trampling of the boundaries I tried to set to protect myself, and I didn't think well enough of myself to enforce them until my camping trip, when he texted me that he was going to date his now-wife steadily and would not hang out with me anymore without her there, when I told him I was, finally, cutting him off, and did. (I must admit that I often wondered if he ever tried to contact me after that, how often, etc., and wonder what message he got if he ever tried to call. . . And have thought out who knows how many scenarios in which he tries to force me to recognize and talk to him. . .)
I will probably always worry that I will do the same thing in every romantic situation. My most-recent therapist said that I love too quickly and undeservedly--how can I dispute that? I'm just lucky that, in most instances, my girl friends don't take advantage of it and love me, too. I don't know how things will work out; most of the time I don't see what it would be like to not feel frantic in a relationship, which is silly because I didn't feel like that at all with John. . . Even though it was a bit like spinning my wheels while waiting for him to make a decision. Anyway, this started out as an email to a dear friend and ended up as what could only be a blog entry.
I almost forgot--I had a dream this morning that I wanted to remember--reminded me of an old dream I had where I was at an amusement park with Lindsay. . . Anyway, in this dream, I was on a trip with Aide, Lo, and Mom, at first I was on a train, then it morphed and I was in an RV-ish thing with some guy and everyone else was still on the train, and we very much clicked, so much so that he took me to his house, and my family showed up, and I think his family was there (I remember his mom, and at least 1 brother and 1 sister). . . And I took a shower or something and was wandering around without clothes on and no one was saying anything about it (which, in my dreams I have interpreted as having everything out in the open--I'm not hiding anything--like I'm baring my soul), and it was just easy and natural, not shameful or stressful at all. Then, apparently, all my clothes were there, like I was rummaging through my laundry basket to find an outfit to wear, and didn't feel like I had to wear anything special or cute for him, just comfy. I like that image, that thought. I hope someday I find it in real life.
And that's all I have to say today. It may be disjointed, but I needed to share it, and, truthfully, don't have a better venue than here. Not that I don't love you, but I don't want to be a burden and/or force any of my crazy on anyone. I mean, therapists ask for it--not many other people do.
Thank you.
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