The Great Thaw: a very optimistic title

Today was a fantastic day--it just was. I went to Golden Corral with Jeanie for breakfast, ate too much but loved it, then went to see Emily N. at work while getting oil changed--love killing two birds with one stone that way!! Emily N. said that I sound a lot better than she's heard me in a long time. She was right, and it made me cry--I can cry during fantastic days, can't I? It should definitely be allowable!--because it has been so long. At breakfast, I was talking about things with Jeanie, and how, although I am feeling much better, I am still angry and am not certain I wouldn't yell if Brandon tried to talk to me. She said that I have the right to be angry, that she is still reminded of Josh by certain things. . . I should have asked if she was angry, but didn't. After I saw Emily and picked up Bob, I went to Adrienne's, and E & K tried on dresses I had found at DI--I also got A something, but he was at the movies with Phil, so I don't even know if he knows about it yet. I am almost done with E's hat/scarf, then on to A's sweater! Then I met Meghan at the Bountiful temple and we did a session--best idea ever, I must say, Megmau! I very much needed it.

I cried through at least the first ten minutes of the session--realized I wasn't so much angry at Brandon as I am with myself--I am still terribly, horribly, astoundingly upset that I let him treat me like dirt, like my feelings didn't matter, and that I had to change to make him happy. He complained quite a bit, actually; he didn't like how I sing parts at church, how I wanted to talk late at night [I think that was because it took that long for me to get comfortable enough with him to do it--the rest of the time was busy busy, especially because he tended to be late--more than Mormon Standard time almost always], how I didn't talk to strangers when we hiked, about vegetarian dishes not having meat and about hamburger dishes not having steak, how I chopped onions, that I spent so much time cooking. . . Once he even complained about my singing when I was happy! It was months after we broke up before Rachel heard me singing again!

Part of my frustration is that it reminded me of parts of my marriage, but I know Jeremy loved me(and I'm pretty sure I've already told you so). Nate (most recent therapist) was irritating as all-get-out to help me see that I feel I have to believe that so I can think I'm lovable at all--if he didn't love me, how could anyone else love me? (Pretty sure he doesn't agree with that, in case you were concerned that he's being less than helpful. This was probably not long before stuff changed and I couldn't afford to see him anymore, so we didn't get to the bottom of that particular fallacy of mine.)

Back to the topic--Jeremy loved me; I should have seen that Brandon had stopped long before we broke up. How can I be so stupid? Commence mental self-beratement. It seemed clear what I needed to do--make an appointment with the bishop and see what I can do to fix this. I'm also pretty sure this is why I've been having such a problem wanting to go to church--it's like I'm closing myself off from spiritual things because it hurts too much, like I don't think this wound can heal and so I just want to curl up in a little ball and die. But this is not the case. I'm sure HF has been trying to point this out to me, and I've been skirting the edges of this big thing (malignant tumor?) because I can't stand it--this hurts!

I don't know how to get this to fit in, but I think it deserves to be in here somewhere, and I'm too tired to suss it out properly. I texted Adrienne, and she said: "You're not entirely to blame, you know. He took advantage of you. And I doubt he stopped caring. I think it's more likely that he started taking you for granted. You love so easily that he forgot that you have to work for it in relationships, not to earn it, but to deserve it." Of course, I responded by pointing out how he treated me and how I shouldn't've put up with it as long as I did. She responded: "No, you shouldn't have, but you got out. That's the key. You thought that loving him enough would make him see how 'worthy' you were of treating well. He never saw it. I was (and am) so proud of for doing that." And then: "Maybe you can try putting a different spin on it instead of just obsessing with how long you stayed around when he didn't treat you right. You gave him every opportunity to appreciate you. You gave him the benefit of every doubt. That demonstrates an amazing capacity for patience and Christ-like love! You gave him every change and when he didn't step up, you stepped out I wish you would give yourself more credit for overcoming your insecurities and standing up for yourself!" Then: "You beat yourself up for a long time for you letting Jeremy being unkind/abusive to you and you didn't have time to straighten things out with him, but when similar trends appeared with Brandon and you faced it in the same way you reacted to Jeremy, you made a change--of course it took you time to stand up for yourself! You had to undo years of thinking of yourself in a certain way--as broken, as deserving of unkindness--but you did it! You turned it around and took a stand. You overcame Jeremy and John and Brandon as well as your own fears and insecurities. Own your awesomeness!" I'm crying again. See how amazing my sister is? I had never thought of it that way. Nate would agree--I think he was trying to guide me to this realization.

I need to remember this, and start counteracting my craziness with these truths, and soon. I think Shaun is fantastic, and am pretty sure I need to fix this before being able to get much of anywhere with him. Second triple date is next weekend, and I've already texted the executive secretary to set up an appointment with the bishop, but the next available appointment is 05/18/14. I want to talk this all out with someone sooner than that, think I'll check with one of the advisory couples at church. . . I miss my great guy friends that I used to talk everything through with! I need to think and sleep on this.

Early 2014 Blues

It has been a while. Work has been crazy--my box is about twice as big as it used to be (40-ish instead of in the teens or low twenties), and I've already got 7 new cases for Monday as of 8pm Friday night. They are offering overtime, though, which is a great help--I put in just under 19 hours of overtime last week, and most of that was just finishing my work and doing my duties as Pod captain. I don't know how this will be fixed--it seems that only a few of the districts are being slammed. I'm not sure if it's lucky or not that the only two in this predicament on our team are the ones with the most tenure and that weren't recently on a special project.

I am doing better. I missed a lot of church in Jan and Feb, only went two times in the middle of Feb, but did make it last week and have to go this week because I am choristing. I think things started to look up for me about than two weekends ago--I saw "She Loves Me" with some friends from the ward, and the next day I say my cousin Allison (whose dad has cancer, lives in CO, is active in the LDS church as well as having always thought I was stupendous and awesome, which I could never fathom). She was in town with her husband, and we met at Aide's house--she met the kids, etc. It was great to see her. Also, I got to paint with the kids (both of whom resorted to brushes, to my [hopefully hidden] disappointment). I saw my old roommate, Rachel, who had taken care of selling Daisy for me--we went out to eat to celebrate her life, and it was good to just TALK. She helped me feel like I wasn't crazy for continuing to fight in my head over things, etc. I did not go to church that Sunday, but my visiting teacher dropped by with hot fudge sundaes on Monday, and I talked to her. I think I figured out that I was trying to punish Heavenly Father, like somehow all the crap that I've taken in was His fault, or something, and realized how completely silly that was, because, whereas I'm sure He's sad that I'm feeling this way and that I've been in uber-hiding mode, it doesn't actually hurt Him, and it's not going to change anything about how He feels for me or treats any of us. . . And Memma's birthday was on Tuesday (she's four now) and I actually left work on time (leaving work undone, but I did tell everyone and it was all easy--surveys) and spent the evening with Aide & Co again. . . And I don't remember much of anything else other than work and church. Oh, and, at church last week, everyone talked about how good the week before was, and, based on what they said about it, it sounded like it was everything I needed. Also, at church, the Larkins (one of the advisory couples for our mid-singles ward--we have over 700 members and they are there to support the bishop and help us) kinda cornered me, because my visiting teacher (Adrian) told them I needed a blessing. I did tell her I felt like I needed one, but things had been going better, so I had blown it off. But I did want one, and it was amazing. Unfortunately, I don't remember all of it anymore--the part that stuck with me was that I can ask my loved ones that have already died to help me. I didn't ever think of that, thought they would all be too busy doing things to barely think of me. It meant quite a lot to me to hear that. And, after the blessing, Sister Larkin said to her husband something like: "Did you know she is a widow?" He hadn't known. I do love and appreciate it when Heavenly Father shows me things like that--helps me see that He IS there and does see what I'm going through and cares. I did, however, mention before the blessing how Allison's dad was sick and that we wouldn't have him around much longer--that I had considered him to be the closest thing I have to a father on earth since Dad passed. . .

Anyway, I had a pretty good week this week--my coworkers thought my peach yogurt was spiked, I was so cheerful Tues and Wed. I've been working on a hat/scarf for Memma, and have found it helps me stay much calmer when I'm on the phone with difficult people. Things did get more mellow, and I'm worried that I'm starting to fight again, maybe more than I was at the beginning of the week. But I'm still hopeful. I found out that Aide talked to one of her friends and they are setting me up with another friend--apparently he found Aide through FB and then found me, and is OK with it, which, for whatever silly crazy reason, made me feel better and a lot more hopeful.

What I have been feeling is that, again, I was hopeless. It's like I felt like I scraped the barrel with Brandon (long story short, he molested his 17-year-old sister-in-law back in 1998 or so and went to prison and is, of course, on the sex offender registry and is still on parole, is not a current member of the LDS church, and was living in his father's basement.), and he didn't even want me, so who would? And, to top it all off, he married someone else about 5 months after our last date-ish activity, when it took him months to decide whether or not he really loved me, and then broke up with me so many times. . . And he never gave a reason for the last time--I've decided he only broke up with me then because I had mentioned that I had been considering breaking up since Christmas because we hadn't been communicating--basically, he was a coward, didn't want to possibly have me break up with him--and he thought we'd get back together again later, although I told him that, if he broke up with me again the time before that, I'd cut all ties. . . I'm pretty much a chump, you know? In general, I place everyone else I love above me, their needs almost always outweigh mine, and so I stayed his friend because he wanted me to be, despite his trampling of the boundaries I tried to set to protect myself, and I didn't think well enough of myself to enforce them until my camping trip, when he texted me that he was going to date his now-wife steadily and would not hang out with me anymore without her there, when I told him I was, finally, cutting him off, and did. (I must admit that I often wondered if he ever tried to contact me after that, how often, etc., and wonder what message he got if he ever tried to call. . . And have thought out who knows how many scenarios in which he tries to force me to recognize and talk to him. . .)

I will probably always worry that I will do the same thing in every romantic situation. My most-recent therapist said that I love too quickly and undeservedly--how can I dispute that? I'm just lucky that, in most instances, my girl friends don't take advantage of it and love me, too. I don't know how things will work out; most of the time I don't see what it would be like to not feel frantic in a relationship, which is silly because I didn't feel like that at all with John. . . Even though it was a bit like spinning my wheels while waiting for him to make a decision. Anyway, this started out as an email to a dear friend and ended up as what could only be a blog entry.

I almost forgot--I had a dream this morning that I wanted to remember--reminded me of an old dream I had where I was at an amusement park with Lindsay. . . Anyway, in this dream, I was on a trip with Aide, Lo, and Mom, at first I was on a train, then it morphed and I was in an RV-ish thing with some guy and everyone else was still on the train, and we very much clicked, so much so that he took me to his house, and my family showed up, and I think his family was there (I remember his mom, and at least 1 brother and 1 sister). . . And I took a shower or something and was wandering around without clothes on and no one was saying anything about it (which, in my dreams I have interpreted as having everything out in the open--I'm not hiding anything--like I'm baring my soul), and it was just easy and natural, not shameful or stressful at all. Then, apparently, all my clothes were there, like I was rummaging through my laundry basket to find an outfit to wear, and didn't feel like I had to wear anything special or cute for him, just comfy. I like that image, that thought. I hope someday I find it in real life.

And that's all I have to say today. It may be disjointed, but I needed to share it, and, truthfully, don't have a better venue than here. Not that I don't love you, but I don't want to be a burden and/or force any of my crazy on anyone. I mean, therapists ask for it--not many other people do.

Thank you.

October is over, and yet. . .

I woke up sometime around 2 and couldn't get back to sleep--probably around 4 was to the point where I was trying to keep my sobbing as quiet as possible to not disturb my roommates. Nothing is really wrong--that is, nothing more than usual. However, I did realize something this week: I'm scared. I have no reason to believe that any relationship I have with any male will not involve pain, usually the heart-wrenching kind, to one degree or another. I figure this has been happening since I graduated from high school or something around that time--the only men that seem to be immune to this are my home teachers and most married people (I only say "most" because I was quite upset with my married male therapist a month ago because he doesn't think Jeremy loved me, which we later determined I need to believe to feel lovable). I believe sex will always hurt, too, that I'll never have any power or control at all in my relationship, I'll just love him and he will walk all over me and may not even know how much he is hurting me. I realized that, in my relationship with Brandon, he'd hurt me once, and I'd let him know I was upset about it, and, when he'd do it again, I'd shrivel up a bit inside. The main incident here was about the hair on my upper lip--he said it was a problem, I cried about it, the next day I told him that, if this was going to be a big thing I needed to break up with him, he said it wasn't, it was just sometimes distracting when we were kissing, but that wasn't the only time he mentioned it--at least two other times, maybe more. Why didn't I break up with him the second or third time? Because I was an idiot and loved him and just absorbed and internalized it. I realize now that this made me feel that he thought his distraction was more important than the pain his initial comment caused. I have no idea if he ever thought of it that way, and probably never will. He was also routinely late and ill-prepared, and I'm pretty sure he only broke up with me that last time because he was a coward. Most of this has been in my head so long I'd be surprised if most of you didn't know it all yet.

This has been waiting long enough--it's not 03/08/14. I think I'm ready to post this. I think I wrote this in November or December 2013--the date is a guess.

Emotional Vomit

I know it's been a long time (again), and that I'm leaving a big gap, but I needed to write, and get this all out, and not on Facebook--too public. I can't sleep because I'm running through crazy things--fighting with Jeremy and my recent ex-boyfriend Brandon. I realized (while I was on my CO trip) that the reason why I was hanging onto my relationship with Brandon so much (desperately, more like) was because, sometime along the way I equated our relationship to that between my husband and me. Something about all the hurt I felt and how I felt I couldn't talk to him and felt unimportant. . . It was like, if I could stick it out and make it work, somehow that "fixed" my marriage. I know it's not rational, but, apparently it's rather normal. It's painful, and that's part of why I had that post on Facebook about worrying that's all I'll get--because it was like I sought this out--what if that's what I will always seek out? A bit discouraging!! And he showed up at church (was late), I had noticed his girlfriend (though I didn't know that she was the one he was dating until later) because we're at least acquaintances--we smiled at each other, at least--but, when I noticed he was there, and had his arm around her, I lost it. I'm lucky I held it in so well. Erin, bless her, noticed I was distraught and put her arm around me and just held me for most of the rest of the meeting. I don't think I could've kept my sobs captive (i.e. silent) if not for her.

Right before Sunday School, I saw Achelle in the hallway, and she knew something was wrong, and had me sit with her and talk. It amazes me how much people believe in me--it's so hard to see that I'm anything other than a bumbling, gullible fool most of the time--I fear I love too easily and too much. I have really good friends, but there are people who take advantage of that, and I let them. Sometimes I let them do it for years (who remembers skirt-Shanna?). I would like to think that I've grown enough to stand up for myself, but then I'm proven wrong.

**********You may want to skip this paragraph, it's really a stream of consciousness of my inner fights with Jeremy**********
So, the running in my head--you know it's just trying to go back and fix things. Like, what if I had stood up to Jeremy? What if I had stopped the duty sex on my own? The problem is, every time I confront him about it (in my head, because that didn't happen in real life), it seems like it comes out meaner and nastier. . . I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to see that what he was doing was wrong and fix it. What if I had moved to the computer room and refused to sleep in the bedroom? Once he came home late from spending time with his friends and I had locked him out of the bedroom, left a note on the door telling him to leave me alone--he banged on the door until I let him in. What if I hadn't? What if I had left after he acted out in anger? Or when he told me I didn't have any friends or any of the other things he said designed to make me feel like I was worthless? (Once I let him apologize, thinking it would help, but it didn't.)
**********And now we're done.

I've been told he loved me the best way he knew how, and I think I still believe that, but it's hard to think that I'm worth more when most of my romantic relationships don't show that. I know I hide my eyes in the halls at church--there are just so many people in my ward (666 members as of Sunday, they said), and it's easy for me to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time I just feel so discouraged, that this is all there is for me--being a part of the new generation through my nieces and nephew and my friends' children, but sometimes I have this glimmer of hope. . . But I don't see how that could possibly be. Boys, guys, men--whatever you want to call them--aren't that interested in me. There are rare cases where they will ask me on a date (7, I think, in total, compared to the 17 or so I've asked), but. . . I think I expect too much. I probably throw my whole self in and they are scared off. I wonder if that's something I should change. I don't know. Brandon got upset--after he broke up with me the third and final time--when I said something about how I wouldn't be asked out on dates, and, after I got done being upset about it, I wondered what he thought dating him did to make me so much more attractive or datable to other men, and that made me laugh. Still makes me smile. But now, back to the story.

Anyway, some lady (I think she was one of the advisory couples) stopped and asked if I needed a blessing. Achelle said I did, and, who am I to say otherwise? I did want one, just feel bad for needing one so soon after Uncle John's blessing. So she whisked me away to one of the bishopric, and I grabbed one of my home teachers on the way to help (he was in the right place at the right time--what can I say?). He said that I was a precious daughter of God, and that He loves me very much, and is mindful of my pain. Makes me cry again to just think about it. Isn't it interesting how sometimes that's what we need, to know that He knows how we feel? I need to know that I'm understood, that I'm not alone--it's so easy for me to forget. Even when I feel I'm doing well I feel separate from others because surely they can't or won't understand because of all I've gone through. Sometimes I've tried to share only to be told I just need to get over it--I wish I could, I just don't know how!! Don't you think I would've if I could have figured that out? (Yes, this is something we're working on in therapy.) Something that came up in my last session--don't know if Nate said it, or if this is how I interpreted it: "Don't linger there (in your marriage with Jeremy)--that's not you anymore." I need to make a sign, maybe a couple, saying that. I've been forgetting all week.

Anyway, I know this is twisted and convoluted, but I needed to get it up and out. And, hopefully, that'll help me sleep tonight. Love you and miss you always.

Liska

P.S. Relief Society, as usual, was awesome. Sunday School is always the hurdle.