Fallen through Once Again

Renee & I were supposed to take Johann out to a fun restaurant for helping us out with something, and this was the last day we could do it for at least 2 more weeks (thank you, finals!), and he had some emergency work something come up. . . I didn't call him about it, talked to Renee, gave her his contact info & she took care of it--I mean, he makes me nervous enough, I don't think I need to try to add to the mess if I can help it. She said he sounded "really sad" about it, but I doubt he would've remembered if "we" hadn't called to check up on him. . . I thought maybe he would have emailed me today to say SOMEthing about it, but no such luck. I just feel so tired (and defeated) about the whole thing. And it's not like he doesn't know that I feel this way--I have discussed it with him, whole lot of good it did. He told me to keep trying, and at some point he's going to be able to do things with me. It's so much effort for so little reciprocation, I don't know if I should be dealing or even can cope with this. I'm going to be pondering it for the next couple weeks and see what I can come up with. I'm going to the temple the next two Saturdays, which hopefully will provide plenty of inspiration & overall peace, comfort, & goodness to my life that I've been lacking. Some things are coming into play, very few have been settling down--I feel most of it is just stagnanting. It's been rather crazy busy lately--staying up too late, not spending any QT online unless you count looking for cheap plane tickets. . . At some point, I'll need to make a decision & just buy the things. . . Of course that's my fault (What isn't, these days? Not like THAT ever changes. . . lol.), Renee & I have been staying up late for the last week and a half or so to get stocked up for the dry spell of fun that will start tomorrow. *sigh!*

What else to say? I feel. . . Not quite taken advantage of, more like everyone's leaving it up to me because they know I'll end up doing something about it. Like, if we're going to do something, I'm the one who has to head it up, plan & call everyone. Something about brick walls. . . Someday I'll post that poem, if I ever get to where I feel it says all I need it to/feel without anything extraneous. . . You know, how you try and try and try and get nowhere, just end up beaten, bloody, & dazed from your struggle for whatever it is. . .

There's something special about guy friends who are just OK with you, and WANT to spend time with you, enough even to call every now & again to see what's up, etc. "Marcus", the only good comfortable guy friend I have like that around here, and he's leaving in less than a month--in 3 weeks or so. I will miss him terribly. Grant will still be around, and we love him, too, but, in the at least 2 years I've known him, he's only called me of his own accord ONCE. And I thought THAT was a miracle. He's just not the kind of guy to do that kind of thing. I realize that and respect his feelings & whatnotness in that regard, but there's still the lack--those don't just go away, ya know.

Oh, well. No doubt we'll get some new people this fall, and maybe there will be at least one good card-playing, fantasy-reading, musically-inclined, intelligent & funny guy that's not too young in the crop. That's not too much to ask, is it? Sometimes I think it must be. I'm looking for my best friend, and I'm starting to think he's not here--maybe never did exist in the first place. *sigh!* Now it is bedtime. Maybe I'll find more sunshine before too long--it has been a pretty gorgeous week so far--but I still can't wait for it to be over!!

Brave New World

Well, not really. This is my first blogging experience, and is the method I have decided to use to blow off steam/bounce ideas off of and gain insight into myself and the things I do & let others do, etc. I'm hoping this will help me cope with a few things--mainly how I don't understand the guys in my life and so I can work all that out here instead of talking to them about it.

OK, first things first--there is a guy I'm interested in, of course. He needs a "name". . . Let's call him "Johann." I realized that I liked him last fall--I had invited him to do something with me (usher at a play), and something came up at work (last-minute-like) so he wasn't sure he could come. Being a polite & nice (and cute, although that doesn't factor here at all), he let me know about the potential problem. To my chagrin, I discovered that I didn't want to go with anyone else--him or nothing, even though it was one of my favorite plays. That's when it hit me--I had to accept that I liked him more than I wanted to.

Liking someone for me is a big thing. They never like me back, or they don't put forth effort, or they turn out to be crazy & stalker-ish. . . Pretty much, almost as soon as I realize I like someone romantically I try to get myself out of it--to stop it before I could be trounced. I had just had my heart broken earlier that year (excruciating--a good guy friend ["Grant"] told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me [because he thought I liked him, which was, of course, true, but I was working on stopping that on my own already] quite seriously, and the fact that he didn't even want to be my friend made me hurt inside. . . Then, as soon as I was OK with that, [about 2 months later] he took it back, then kept doing/saying things that kept me in a constant state of painful flux for a few more months. Since then we've hashed everything out and are once more OK and probably even closer than we would have been any other way. . .), and was hoping for a bit more of a respite from the whole liking-any-guy-in-particular-thing.

Since then, I've tried to get to know Johann better by trying to spend time with him--having him join in on going/hanging out with a group of mutual friends--and he's encouraged me to not stop trying in the past, but I'm really tired of expending all this energy. I wish (as is my wont) he would just tell me to leave him alone and get it over with. (Somehow, this is something different than what Grant did--like that was a complete and utter rejection of everything I am, etc., whereas I think Johann's telling me to leave him alone would just cut those threads of hope and help me get over it--pretend that makes sense, OK?) Of course he doesn't, and I'm pretty sure it's not something I'd like to discuss with him ever. Recently I've been becoming increasingly nervous (approaching being scared) when he is around. Like, we were helping someone move last weekend and I ignored him for at least half the time. I don't know how to act around him. One of my good friends ("Renee") told me to just be myself, but somehow I can't. I am either my quiet kind of nervous self, or I'm the loud funny talkative (and probably quite obnoxious) image I tend to project in public. Neither of these is actually me. Most people only know the latter self.

So I feel stuck, not sure how to proceed and being told not to pursue or call him to discuss things (over the phone or via email is MUCH easier for me to deal with, but he doesn't like talking on the phone [ good friend of both of ours, "Irene", told me of his asking her about why I call, want to talk on the phone--I feel like he doesn't understand why I want to communicate with him--not actually sure he gets it, even now] and he only tends to respond to emails when necessary.)when that's really all I want.

I know understanding has a price, I just feel like there ought to be a way for this to go more smoothly than it is and, if I just keep looking, I may figure it out. Maybe that's my problem. I expect there to be an answer, a solution, a way to work on things and gain understanding. Like, the more you work on puzzles or math problems, they get easier, right? I don't think I see that happening for me. Oh, I don't know, no doubt I'm making too much of this, but I don't know how else to react--anything else I do isn't real, it's just a facade that fades away when I'm alone. *sigh!* Enough for tonight. Maybe I'll have something to say tomorrow.